Coyote Fuggly

So I was out walking the dog last night at about 1:30am. Little Kimber was pulling on her leash and I was doing the proper training in making her stop and not have any further progress. I am constantly saying “no, sit” and her collar is jingling so we must be making a good amount of noise for anything with 4 legs to hear. I tend to try to be quiet so the neighbors don’t call the police. Anyways we are a block from our place and the dog starts “boofing” at the same mailbox she always boof’s at (it does sound like boof). All of a sudden she turns around and boofs again. I look over my shoulder and see something move across the street, turn towards us and start walking along the fence. First thought was “someone’s dog is out”, that was until it was out of the shadows. It was the largest, and healthiest coyote I have ever seen and it was heading towards me and my 5 month old puppy and only had 15 yards to go. I quickly grabbed the collar of the dog, who was still boofing, and made a growling/roaring sound (I was trying not to wake anyone up). The coyote stopped in his tracks and looked up and had that “oh shit” look on his face. Now I was extra worried when he didn’t bolt from seeing me like he was considering my pup to be a possible meal. I stomped and growled again and he took off in to a yard. I was about to start yelling and throw my half full mirror pond bottle at it but thankfully it didn’t come to that. I headed off the other direction keeping an eye out in case he followed.
One thing meeting a coyote on a dark deserted street @ 1:30am will do is wake you up like you just mainlined 3 pots of coffee with a pinch of crack. What also sucks is my dog got so scared by either the coyote or me growling that she peed on the street and she never does that. I need to start bringing a club or other weapon on late night walks from now on.

Officer “You with the bat! What are you doing?!?!?”
Me “Um walking my dog?”
Officer “Drop the weapon or I will tase you!!”
Me “Oh, this? This is for the coyotes..."
ZZZZZZZZZAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Officer “Do not move or you will get it again!!!!”

Good shirt.

30 years old: its all downhill from here.

First and foremost I would like to thank the lovely Wife. I had a great time and she did a great job.

Well now it's finally done, the time has come to pass where I am no longer able to fool myself into thinking that I am still young and dumb. (well dumb).
My 30th went over like a nitro charged cement truck driven by an overzealous cranked out Chimpanzee. I laid around all day Sunday (actually birthday) with a thirst that could not be quenched and that feeling that alcohol was evaporating out of my eyes.Which brings us to Monday, the day of aches and pains. For some weird reason after over exerting myself physically i.e. playing big ball or wrestling drunk friends in the back yard, I find that I don't feel the pain until two days later. Current injury list is as follows: neck feels like someone tried to pull my head off, elbows and knees feel like I owed nefarious persons large amounts of cash and had not yet paid. The rest of my body feels like I was in a batting cage catching baseballs with no hands.

As for the party itself I would like to thank everyone for showing up and hanging out. I would especially like to thank the person that microwaved 5 pieces of cheese and leaving if for me to enjoy. Considering that was the worse mess I found I would like to say I am proud of you all for being cool and not leaving me an upper decker.

Since everyone who was there remembers what happened at the house but not after everyone had left for downtown so here it goes. We made our way down to Ember's and I was denied entry. I don't remember the cab ride but I do remember the guy saying "Sir, I cannot let you in because you look visibly intoxicated." I knew it was a lost cause because I have never been denied entry to a bar even when falling over so I must have been pretty bad off. Edwin and someone else tried to convince the door guy to let me in because it was my birthday but I told them it was a fruitless endeavor (get it? embers? Fruit?) I was pissed but calm because I just wanted to burn off some drunk energy on the dance floor.We thought "Who will serve us if Ember's won't?!?! The night's over!!" After talking to Turd, who had already gotten in and said he wouldn't or couldn't leave because the Goose was attached at the hip of 7 girlfriends, even though it was my birthday, we ended up a someplace called the Dixie. I remember Edwin forcing me to down a huge Vodka/Redbull and being really drunk. It as no Embers but hey, they kept serving me and I was probably at.12 blood alcohol.

I don't really remember much after that but having a digital camera with video helps with that. I guess Bennett, Rebecky, Silent Kev, Edwin, the wife and I went back to my house and drank more which probably wasn't necessary considering that it was 4am. There are a bunch of videos of Shane, me and Edwin wrestling in the house and in the yard (explains the pain). One was particularly funny: I tackle Bennett and he pins me down, Edwin tries to break it up and someone yells "Which one of you has a hard on?!? God damn it!?!?"

Fun facts:

Walloch didn't score.

Found Bennett's keys, cell phone, and lighter in yard the next day.

Found Turd’s sense of human decency under a grease soaked napkin.


Booze list:

4 out of 8 Fifth's of Beam were consumed.
½ of a Fifth of Tequila was consumed.
13 Bottles of Red wine were consumed.
4 bottles (large) white wine were consumed.
2+ cases of beer consumed
4 cases of beer left over.
*I don't know what the rest of you had to drink*


Please add your funny moments/comments below.

Sleepwalking report 2

Last night according to the Wife: I got up and went downstairs. I came 20-30 minutes later and she asked me what I was doing. I said (grumbled) I was looking for my underwear, got a pair out and went back to bed.

I wonder why I felt that if I went downstairs I needed to be boxer free?

Oh, and reminder for those that read this that my 30th birthday party is Saturday at my house. If you don’t know where that is you shouldn’t come. Oh and to calm everyone’s fears: no, it is not a slumber party.

I should have thought of this.

Check this out, Bongvodka. I think these guys will make a quick buck on this due to the novelty of the item. I personally think that it sends a bad message in that it is saying that it would be a good idea to puff after ingesting a fifth of vodka. Spins anyone?

/I would have bought this 10 years ago.

Sleepwalking Report

Lacking better material I thought I would amuse the 2 people that read this with a reoccurring posting of my misadventures I have while I am asleep. I also thought it would be a good place to catalog it so when I drive my car into the river there will be a funny back story.

So, here is goes: Hi, I’m Load and I sleepwalk. Yeah, yeah point at the weirdo and laugh. Sometimes it is harmless wandering and sometimes I pee in the garbage can, one never knows what to expect. They are often very random acts like I have gotten up and pulled out a dress shirt and a tie, hung it on the door and gone back to bed. That's weird because I wear a tie about 5 times a year. I have also allegedly tried to pee on a pile of laundry and in the corner of the room. Last night I was at it again.

What I remember:

Wife: “ Load what are you doing on the couch”
Me: “Huhhhhh?!?!?!!”
Wife “Why are you downstairs?? Come to bed.”
Me “Huhhhh?? Ok.”

(Gripping I know)

Wife’s version:
Around 4:30am, I hear Load go downstairs, assuming he is going to the bathroom, I go back to sleep. Around 5:30, I roll over and no Load. So I go downstairs, the dining room closet is open, kitchen cupboards are open, the bathroom cupboard is open and Load is asleep on the couch.

me, "Load, what are you doing on the couch?" in a quiet inquisitive voice
Load, "Huhhhh?!?!?!"
me, "come to bed." still in a quiet voice
Load, "Stop yelling at me!!"
me, "I'm not, just come to bed."
Load, "aruaharh, stop yelling at me!"

That's it, I swear I think he is going to kill me in my sleep one of these times.

Bleeehhh

Did anyone else catch the show Supersize She on the discovery channel last night? It was a heartwarming story of “Buff Barbie” and her quest to become the next Miss. Olympia. I am still convinced that it was a dude. Nothing like a chick with a voice deeper than mine to get me going.

Near Miss

Today on I-5 Northbound I was in the fast land going at pretty good clip. I was coming up on a corner where the lanes get real skinny and the shoulder no longer exists. This is the type of corner where one gets freaked out because the double long semi’s back wheels on your right hand side are already drifting 2 inches over the line and you hold your breath and punch hoping your late model American compact doesn’t become a speed bump and leave you a skid mark on the interstate.
Anyways, I am going around this corner and the Toyota truck 3 car lengths in front of me jerks into the center lane. Seeing that behavior elicited the obvious ‘danger’ warning which I soon discovered was a brand new leather chair, still in the crate and shrink wrap sitting smack dab in the middle of my lane. I looked and swerved over with about 2 feet to spare. The fellow behind me didn’t appreciate the wake up call of having someone cut him off and interrupting his cell phone conversation.
What the real issue is here is: how the f$ck do you loose a leather chair out of the back of your truck without noticing? I would be surprised if someone didn’t hit it after I went by. At least it probably has packing information on the crate so it will be easier to contact the defendants in the pending injury/negligence lawsuit.

Matching dorks and the people that hate them.

So I am drawing a blank for a ‘real’ post that I feel my blog has been lacking this week. I figured I would rant about something in the media perhaps? But as you know everyone has already given their quips about New Orleans. So, instead I give you:

Couples that Dress Alike: a menace to society!

Couples that dress alike are the most annoying people that have ever walked the planet. I get annoyed just looking at them. I could look away but it is like watching someone set something on fire or break stuff or both. For some reason I just can’t look away. (I was trying to avoid the generic ‘car wreck’ example so bear with me.) Now there are exceptions that I will get out of the way first and foremost. It is ok to dress in the same clothes as your partner if:
1. it is part of a costume themed event.
2. you are watching your favorite team.
3. you are playing a team sport.
4. you are competing in an event.
5. you work together and your job requires uniforms.
6. you are attending a black and white affair.
7. you are wearing wetsuits or other sport specific equipment.
8. it is on the same day as any of the above reasons.

Otherwise couples should not match period. It makes you and your partner both look like complete f*ing morons. There is generally one(hopefully two) person(s) in a couple that has the common sense to say “No honey, I refuse to wear a matching red and white striped polo shirt coordinated with white shorts accented with a braided red leather belt, while sporting a fetching red and white visor complemented with stark white keds”.
I think the reason I hate them the most is that they took the time to match making the activity fall further into the realm of dorkdom. What is worst than these matching freaks are the couples that try to match but don’t quite pull it off. The shoes are similar but different brands. The shirts are both red and white stripes but one is a polo and the other a button up. This makes them look even worse than the matching ones.

Now the wife thinks I’m a freak because we will plan to go out to meet friends, I put on light blue jeans and a green shirt. We meet at the door to leave and she is wearing a green shirt and light blue jeans. One of us has to change. Now our shoes are different, our style of shirts and pants are different, but we still need to change. It could be as simple as one of us changing into kaki’s but it needs to be done.

Please if your partner ever tries to convince you that this is an ok activity have them beaten with a bag of over ripe oranges and if the problem persists suggest shock therapy.

Interesting pictures from ground zero.

I thought I would share this link with everyone. It is a short story and a gallery of pictures that are photographer Bill Biggart's Final Exposures on September 11, 2001 at ground zero.

4 years later.

The Wife and I watched that movie on the discovery channel: The Flight that Fought Back on 9/11. If you didn’t see it, find out when it's playing again and give it a chance. Both of us had watery eyes for much of the show. That’s right, I'm admitting to tearing up big deal. Anyways, they have actual cell phone call recordings from passengers that they interweave into the story. They also have messages that passengers left their loved ones. It was pretty powerful and was an interesting look at how a group of strangers banded together in order to save hundreds to thousands more with their collective bravery.

Unsolicited CD Cover Art continued.

Unsolicited CD Cover Art.

One of my work buddies here had a band for a while. In my free time I would mock up fake but potential album covers for his band. The band (now defunct) was called System and Station. This is one of my favorites.

[does anyone get the reference?]

Old Cheese

As a kid I, as I am sure you all did, would keep mental notes about the "safety factor" concerning the food in your friend’s refrigerators. Like my friend Hallboy’s parents house, nothing was to be trusted. The milk was notorious for always having a sour smell and opaque jars were off limits. To give you an idea at the volume, one summer when we were 15-16 his parents went out of town for the week. The first thing we did was go through the fridge and toss 2 large garbage bags of old food. Now these are clean people but their fridge was a graveyard. I did discover the reason behind the constant bad milk one day. On the weekend D-Dad would get up, eat cereal and read the paper. Milk sat on the table until the last one eating would finally put it away. That’s 2 hours at room temperature every day, no wonder it would go south in 3 days.

So this weekend I forgot about on such fridge while at my Sister Squarah’s birthday dinner. It was at Beef’s (father) house and he was also known to have ancient food lurking about. This is the guy that when you were hungry at lunch time would try to talk you into eating some left over steak, rice, potatoes that were all in a ziplock bag at the back of the fridge. And you could have sworn that you saw it there 2 weeks prior. Then there was the ½ jar of spaghetti sauce with an inch of mold on it. “its fine, that just means it is fermented and has more flavor”. And you would think that the dry food would be safe, no dice. There were boxes of Cheerios from 10 years ago, opened and stale. Anyways, I was hungry (surprise surprise) and dinner was 45 minutes out so I looked in the fridge, string cheese! “Perfect” I thought “just a small snack so I don’t fill up”. I grabbed it and proceeded to unstring it. I noticed that it wasn’t really performing its trademarked “string effect” but gave it no thought. So I took a bite and was really surprised that mozzarella cheese could taste so incredibly sour and it also dissolved quite quickly. This triggered the old warning system and I dug in the trash for the wrapper to try to find a date, illegible! I reached took the other one out the fridge and read the date “Nov. 2002”. That’s a “eat by” not a “born on” date folks. After some research at the supermarket I noticed that the shelf life of string cheese is 3-4 months. It didn’t cause any stomach issues down the road probably due to the copious amounts of preservatives.

I was telling this tale to the step-sis and she had done the same thing 2 weeks before. Her mom said “don’t eat those, their bad” and step sis said “then throw them away”. But alas, they remained. I also left the other old cheese stick for the next unsuspecting soul and I have no regrets.

MC Load rocks the bells.

So to set this up, there is an aspiring Rapper guy here at work. I was supportive and bought his CD, I listened to it once… I decided to get in a rap battle on email with him for fun. Most of it was sparked by me finding some lyrics on the floor that I thought he should see. They were really bad, all about shooting a 9mm and in one verse the author used the word RAPTASTIC which I have added to my personal lexicon.

We had to keep it pretty clean since it was over work email and we didn’t want to get in trouble for saying that we were going to take a double barrel and well you get the idea. I personally did it for comedic reasons and to let my true G side shine. The only things I have changed are the email headers(deleted) and the order was reversed so it can be read chronologically from top to bottom.

I now give you Load (blue) vs. XXXXXXXXX (orange):


Drop it like a hat trick,
Boo yaaa I on it like a bulimic on sick'
Like bubonic
I eat at sonic,
Burger and fries all the time
The grease slicks up my rhymes
Don't blink or I'll leave you behind

I keep on busting through alleys like a rat on crack Keep my loot in a sack on my back I'm low down No clown My house is brown

But I am the player with the dice and the board I roll in an 87 Honda Accord Silver chains, insane Brain like the Matrix mainframe
Knowing you bought that 87 Honda from my baby momma Thinking you can bust lines like mine you must be smoking ganja With Bob Marley or smoking crack with Richard Pryor my rhymes are fresh your is expired Get chingy with it cause u like it right thurr so many rhymes in head we can spit anytime any where This kinda sweet and short but to the point I'll run your ass over like Ray Lewis hitting your pressure points By the way I love sonic
Numero uno quad sumo I know do you know?
Blasting lyrics I know ya-all feelz it
Bombastic beats that blow man holes off streets Without being discreet I sway and reap the Land with the back of my hand I stood up next to the mountain and knocked it down Why you trying to clown this three ring circus showdown Throwdown, now its on with gloves off and I'm gonna be ear bitin like Tyson Do you even read what your writin People listen to you spit lyrics and get frightened
Alright you killed that last one
Check this one
My lyrics penetrate holes thru your breast plate When I rhyme I levitate you meditate just to set the record straight Those rhymes you spoke I heard on Ridgley's believe it or not I blow up the spot with out bragging bout what I got People still broke of 50 cent freestyles I got plenty good rhymes you ain't got any like 50 you worth pennies Your mindless didn't you know After Dark behind this My mortal kombat be living cats spineless
Believe it or not?
I see what you got
Your style is broke
more like rip-off's believe it or don't you best not hesitate or I'll be out the gate and you'll seal your fate when you underestimate the barrage I create upon your mental state

step to this whirlwind of thought and form you'll be tossed like trees in a storm been warned, but still comin' when you should be runnin
Okay my turn
I'm sick like a Germ
Your style wiggle like worms
I told ya step in my way you'll get burned Lessons to be learned I'm a learns ya for your own concern I'll let you spit but wait it my turn You can't out shine me I shine like rims sittin' on 24's You need to dial nine to get a line out what you waiting for You not John Cena don't be giving me thuganomics You like what I'm saying cause I got stuck off my Ebonics Word Life Ha Ha Ha

Hack and weeze all over my sleeve
Brought on by the stink that you style leaves Trick please, that the slang I should weave?
Understand that what it is ain't what it gonna be I be leaven holes in your rhetoric like swiss cheese On your knees beggin please to put an end to your misery

one and two and two and one

I execute perpetrators
Who thinks there words are greater
My style is more like Luke
While yours breathe heavy like Dark Vader You think you're nasty, your lines the nicest kid price this I'm ill on mic devises but right now I'm sending emails like a telegram Who da doc is who I am van damn I great like Tony the tiger Them rhyme you spitting I'm saying son you need to retire
Slick like Rick
Common I know you want more of this
Flash and grace you can’t resist
Top rock hip hop
Doin' back spins in tube socks
Running $hit like the mob on docks
Skills so broad I'll even pull out the Robot

While you silly like little Willy's
My styles hot to def since I'm living phat like those hillbilly's Man really, You think you can handle The raft from my vocab that causes scandals Before you type you write them shits on a note pad And what's sad you took the rhymes I use to have To tell you the truth I can get lose when I have a mic to grab But I guess I'll unleash from the belly of the beast I'm out till the next time

Bumping my base across the landscape I won’t hesitate to violate Its the soothsayers list that I will truncate The abatement of my statement Like burying knowledge in Freddy Kruger's basement Covering up the utter character debasement, my little form of entertainment itz about time for you ta repent and have a confessional about how you met the professional
Round Two (a few months later)

One two
One two
Hittin you
Like swerving redneck trucks on armadillos
Makin a tingle in your nose
Smell that?
That’s your rhymes and prose
I couldn’t give away tickets to your shows
Ask your mom’s, she knows
Didn’t want to have to throw these blows
But I had to let them go
Not my fault it is a torrent of scorn
Makin you wish you were never born
Revenging your mind leaving it barren and torn


Sound like you got them from Doctor Seuss
Throwing those blows give it up it aint no use
Don’t get cart up in this crossfire cause I’m heated I gave you a rhyme and you didn’t know how to treat it
I know you feel defeated but its ok I tried to comfort you
By telling the crowed you was hot but they anit wanting you
So boo because you and your crew don’t have a clue
What you sayin?
Yo, I’m not playin
Sit back and listen to the $hit that I’m spitin

Boom boom ha, boom boom ha

Doom prophecizers and conspiracy theory writers have been speaking of my coming long before you should have retired.
Rattlin bones and rocking microphones is my make up, $hit man, itz the way I’m wired
Like a time b0mb that’s ticking down the clock
Cut the green the blue the red? doesn’t matter I can’t be stopped
When I walk in the room it gets so quiet you can hear the panties drop
Come on, come on you know they all be sayin it
No need, no need to be rearranging it, changing it
So don’t be saying that Dr. Seuss $hit
You and your crew is unfit to admit ya need to quit