Missionary

I had to share this bed I found on craigslist.com. Look at this thing, talk about devotion, sorry, delusion.

http://eugene.craigslist.org/fur/179783627.html

The Wife vol XIIV11R

Last night I was flipping channels and caught one of the most captivating Elimidates yet. Already drunk in the second round, three girls and one guy were drinking in the kitchen of some house. Girl 1 takes the guy into a bedroom, where camera’s follow and Girl 2 & 3 stay in kitchen. Soon Girl 2 & 3 decide to see what is going on and find Girl 1 topless and the guy with only his boxers on in a somewhat precarious position on the bed. Girl 2 has flashbacks of her boyfriend of 7 years cheating on her, goes psycho screaming and crying as she runs into the bathroom. Guy quickly puts his pants on and runs to the bathroom to console Girl 2 by telling her that “he wasn’t planning to cut her until the next round.” Girl 2 does not find these words consoling and instead goes Jerry Springer on his ass, yelling obscenities in his face while pointing her acrylic nails at his head, he in turn follows her lead by slurring, “Biatch, you can’t have my ass, I wasn’t going to cut you but you act like dis?” Finally she leaves, after a heartfelt monologue to the camera about her humiliation and the date goes on. Like all Elimidates the two remaining girls and the guy end up in a hot tub. To end all ironies, Girl 3 tries to convince the guy not to eliminate her, because she has so much more to offer him than Girl 1. Honey, I think Girl 1 already kicked your ass in the “offer,” dept. No need to tell you how it ended.

- Keshmura

Yeah another post about my dog but, this time its personal.

I have been busy so all 3 of you that read this blog must be clamoring for more from el Load.

Well the most recent excitement is that after 2 months of being allowed to roam the house while we are at work without incident ended last night. The little bitch decided that the couch needed a new and exciting look. She then proceeded to eat a hole out of the middle of the bottom cushion. Not only was I pissed that she ate the couch but that she ate the cushion on my side! Not the side of the cushion, but smack dab in the god damn middle thus rendering the integrity of its comfort providing capacity ineffective I pondered why she chose this particular spot, was there something about it that made it more appealing than an old shoe? Or her own stinky dog bed? I could only think of two reasons why.
1. That it was completely random and just happened to be where her head was laying when she got bored and thought it would be a joyous game to eviscerate the couch cushion.
2. The other, less appealing and more disgusting reason being that that particular spot is where my fat ass resides while I am on the couch. So, with her keen canine sense of smell she was hypnotized by the faint, yet musky sweet aroma of lingering Load farts and ass sweat. Yes, I know that is gross but we all fart, (but girls don’t poop!) and one would think that if they were prone to sitting in the same spot for even one hour per night, and if analyzed at a microbial level, the spot that was sat in on a consistence basis would show more, um, ?Farts/per inch? than the cushion next to it.

Anyways, the dog was yelled at by the wife as she came home first. I’m glad I wasn’t the first to discover the van-damage because I would have wanted put the hammer down as it were. The wife must have done a good job of informing said Bitch that her behavior and actions were completely unacceptable as when I came home 2.5 hours later all I had to do was point at the couch and the dog ran into the other room with her tail between her legs.

So to make a long story, well end: anyone know a recipe for Korean soup?

Why I hate people

Dear neighbor,

I understand that you love your dog; I in fact own one and care about it deeply as well. I don’t mind that your dog feels the need to growl like Cerberus
guarding the gates of Hades whenever I am walking by with my dog. He is only doing what he sees as his role in your “pack” and I commend him for doing it so diligently. I also think it is a pretty cool trick that he fetches the paper in the morning like the dogs in the comic strips.

However, when said dog is on his fetching mission and decides instead to come up and smell my dog and then proceed to attack her without provocation; I have a problem. I am not a cruel and violent person, but when it comes to protecting me and mine I do not hesitate to react. You may have noticed your dog possibly walking with a limp or having a sore spot, which would be where I buried my foot in his side as he was attempting to eat my dogs face. He apparently didn’t take kindly to being kicked and retreated rather quickly back to your property. From the way he was moving I would surmise that no permanent injuries resulted from my actions.

I would appreciate it if you could control your animal and perhaps consider getting your own paper in the future you lazy fuck.

Sincerely,

Load