How the years drift by

Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year. Over the years the reasons have changed but the excitement and anticipation that used to proceed Halloween and come to an inebriated head bursting in a giant spray of intoxication, hilarity, and blue/red lights flashing, didn’t really happen this year. When I was a kid it was all about dressing up pretending to be a vampire and scoring candy. One year we got to hit SW and NE Portland, which was a record haul. As a legal adult (18+) Halloween meant one thing: a big party(ies). My record was 7 years ago when we hit 7 parties before 3am. It was epic.

Now I am not saying that I didn’t have fun with what I did this year, just understand that I have high expectations. Since I am not a religious guy and I’m not a huge sports fan, Halloween serves as my one day a year to get crazy. It usually works out for me because everyone else is acting crazy so I don’t look like too much of a jackass. Plus, like New Years Eve, people tend to be in high spirits because they are geared up for a good time.

Basically this Halloween made me feel old.

Edit

I should add the fact that I was accompanied by some hot chicks which did make me look kinda cool: Lambchop (Modbot), Meg’s (Spacebot), and the Wife (Combatbot).

Movie time

Emperor of the North Pole
(a.k.a. Emperor of the North)

Now you might think this is some lame ass movie about Santa and his Reindeer (which are just caribou by the way) but it is something better. It is an epic tale that highlights the class struggle that still exists today and the bowels of depravity that some men sink to.

“Robert Aldrich set this epic duel between the king of the hoboes versus the most sadistic of Railroad Men during the height of the Great Depression in 1933. The simple story taps into the hatred the railroad people have for the tramps. It is about one bum's aim, Lee Marvin , who is known as A No. 1, king of the hoboes, to ride the previously unridden No. 19 freight train of the murderous Shack ( Ernest Borgnine ).”

Basically this is a kick ass movie that is a must see mainly for the ultra-grizzle of Lee Marvin’s character (‘A’ Number 1) and the vicious antics of Railroad Bull (Shack) played by Mr. Ernest Borgnine . To give you a better idea: ‘A’ hops the train via holding on to the bottom of the cars to avoid detection buy the Bulls. Once the train gets up to speed Shack uses a hunk of steel attached to a rope and lowers it between the train wheels where it bounces around and knocks off the hobos. I would think it would suck to fall off a moving train between the wheels. Certain death anyone?

It is not easy to find, especially on DVD, but worth it none the less.

3 and 1/2 stars.

The Boof Report

Dear Weird Yoga Instructor Lady at the dog park,

I wanted to write you because your attitude and behavior at the neighborhood dog park has become a concern for many of the other attendees. First of all you must understand that you are at a dog park. This means that dogs are running around off leash and playing with each other. One must take the proper precautions while in the confines of the park to avoid injury. An example of this is when your dog (12 pounds) and my dog (32 pounds) are romping around that occasionally they will bump into you because they are not paying attention. When you allow your dog to run into other people and act like it is no big thing; do not make rude comments about my dog when she bumps into you. In fact your dog, who I like, is the one who is constantly running between your legs and using you as an obstacle course while engaged in play with other dogs. So any and all bumping of your legs is of no fault of mine or my dogs. If you have a problem with the above activity, train your dog not to do it.

Furthermore, just because you spent $1500 on a fancy dog does not mean that anyone respects you or your dog more than their own. Name dropping the AKC doesn’t impress anyone and makes you look like a pompous idiot. I really don’t care if you were surprised that there was no reaction form the ACK when you registered retarded name for your dog.

Lastly, I think you should watch your bitchy mouth when talking about other peoples dogs, especially when they are no more than 5 feet from you. Dog owners are usually protective and take rude comments about their dog personally, you could find yourself socially ostracized. How much do you have to suck to be the person that no one at the dog park wanted to talk to?

Sincerely,

Load


PS My dog can beat up your dog.

Performance enhancers

Since I didn’t win the powerball I thought I would come up with something I could sell besides my good looks. So here is one of my ideas I came up with at my bachelor party thanks to the overpowering wretched stench that Turd was producing. I accused him of “juicing” before the weekend because even though we were outside in a light 5 mph wind the group had to constantly scatter. Hence my idea:


Fart Steroids

Basically a pill that would give you deadly gas. Who would buy such a thing you ask? Any guy over the age of 10.

Going to watch the game at your buddies house? Pop 2 of these babies and devastate your competition. Road trip with the guys? Never fear, their eyes will water. X-Box Halo 2 tourney? You will have the upper hand thanks to Fart Steroids.

The packaging will also have information on how when combined with certain types of food you can change the devastation factor and the flavor. Adding things such as curry, mustard, cheese, seaweed and garlic add a personal touch.


Now the market would be strong initially but one would need to expect the fad to die off in about a year. There might be some small market sales in the following years, but not as strong as after the initial release. One stupid press conference and you would have all the free publicity you need to get started.

Anybody want to help with the development?

Respect

I found this while doing a GIS for multi post. My question is why do they have to point out that he is the Black Goliath? I think it is painfully obvious that he isn’t the South East Asian Goliath or the Caucasian Goliath. Was there some confusion about his identity?

Super dude: “Hey Goliath!”
Black Goliath: “Yeah? Do I know you?”
Super dude: “Wow have you been tanning? Did you go away for the weekend or something? Anyways did you get the new benefits package?”
Black Goliath: “You must have me confused with White Goliath.”
Super dude: “There are two of you?”


Also, why would you subject yourself to being called by your skin tone? I mean come on, have some self respect. When he found out that the Goliath name was already taken he should have bitten the bullet and found another name. There are plenty to choose from like Simba or the Behemoth. Black Goliath; your mother would be rolling in her grave.

A Conversation with mother

Mom - "Wow it sure gets warm when the sun comes out!"

Load - "Welcome to earth."

Multi Post

Things have been busy for me lately. With hunting season in full swing and having something planned every weekend until December I really should have some better stories to post. So instead of boring you with long versions of each one I thought I would keep them short and sweet thereby reducing the boring as it were.

Grizzled
Went hunting with my Grandpa last week. Only saw 2 deer and they were does and got a “get out of being packaged and put in a freezer card”. It was fun hanging out with Gramps. Now that I am older I encourage him into acting grizzled for my own amusement. Nothing is better than having Gramps go off about current events when he knows he doesn’t have to watch his mouth.

Beach:
Buckles, the Wife, and I went salmon fishing down by Tillamook. The seas had 20 foot swells so we were forced to fish in the bay thereby cutting our chances of anyone on the boat catching a fish. Everyone came back empty handed. Fish suck.

The wife and I did go to a crazy bar on Friday night. Mom’s and Buckles went to bed and we went back to our hotel room only to find we had was too much energy to be cooped up in a small room. We decided to find a bar for shits and giggles, well mostly giggles. We ended up finding some hole in the wall and the wife screams “they have karaoke!!”. I said fine, because she loves to sing. We walk in and the first 8 people I see are in full cowboy regalia. I quickly whisper in the Wife’s ear “Sing Patsy Cline!” knowing that it will show that we belong. So, we are hanging out and I am checking out the crowd. My first impression was incorrect, this wasn’t a cowboy bar. There was about 10-15 Hip-Hoppers chillin’ at the bar. So, here in a dirty wet coastal town in a non-descript bar at 11pm on a Friday night I felt like I had stumbled into another world. A world where everyone gets along and it doesn’t matter what music you listen to. Seriously, it was strange. But it was also one of the all time friendliest bars, staff and clientele, I have ever been to. Now if I can only remember the name…

Knowledge:
If you don’t want people driving fast on the street in front of your driveway: make bigger potholes.

That poor girl.

10/12/2005 08:20:05 EST
Chinese Woman Sets Weightlifting Record
China 's Li Liyin set a weightlifting world record Wednesday in the 152-pound snatch division with a lift of 275.5 pounds. She is the third female weightlifter to break a record this week at her country's national games.

Moving pictures! Holy Shit!

Moving picture courtesy of: the dork that wears a jester hat to work and reads D & D books at lunch time. (not load)

Load opens up

I just wanted to share some of my personal pictures today. What a happy day this was.

What is the world coming to?

I received the following from the wife today via email:

----------

So I am calling the Pet Loft, a pet supply store on SW Macadam and this guy answers.

“Hello, I saw these pet beds in your store the other day. They are supposed to be environmentally friendly, made out of recycled fleece, and 100% washable, can you tell me the brand name and the cost for a large?” Then I notice that it sounds like this guy is on the street on a cell phone.

He answers, “what? a pet bed? You are looking for a pet bed?”

“Yes,”

“Where are you located?” he asks.

“Well I’m in SW, aren’t you in John’s Landing?”

“No, but a really great place for a pet bed is Critter Beds, in Tualatin, if you don’t mind the drive.”

Confused, I ask, “Don’t you have pet beds in your store? I saw some the other day.”

“I don’t have a store, I am just the wrong number you dialed, but Critter Beds is a great place for pet beds. They are in Tualatin and were featured at last years Pet Expo.”

“Oh, I dialed the wrong number…… and you are just being nice?”

“Basically yes, but I would try Critter Beds, they really are great.”

---------
Now this makes el Load wonder, what compelled this guy to help out. Was he distracted and answered because he had and answer? Was he a generally nice and a genuine human being? By some magical circumstance be the owner of said store? Possibly he is some sort phone hacker that intercepts calls to other pet stores and routes the calls to him in order to direct business to his store? It's possible that he made, what could have been the most satisfying purchase of his life, at that store and this was one more opportunity to spread the word about it like a reborned heroin addict preaching Jesus on a street corner.

This level of helpfulness that should be normal human behavior, being devoid malice and disgust towards strangers, especially one who is burning cell minutes is down right perplexing. Where are the good old days when people said in their snottiest tone “Wrong Number!” and hung up the phone?

Hollarback

Last August the Wife, the Goose, Turd and I went to Idaho for a wedding. On the way we were listing to one of the Goose’s mix CD’s that contained some of her favorite songs. One of which was Gwen Stefani’s “Hollarback Girl”. We had a discussion about what it was about and both came to the same conclusion: we didn’t have any f-ing clue.

Today I came across this analysis of said song and thought I should enlighten my readers. And because I don’t have anything else to post.
Without further ado I give you:


This shiat Is Bananas
A probing analysis of Gwen Stefanis Hollaback Girl

by GREG STACY

Gwen Stefanis Hollaback Girl is one of the most baffling pieces of music of the modern age. Its got something to do with cheerleadersthat much is clear, judging from the chanting and the marching band thats honking and tooting in the background. Beyond that, good luck deciphering the songs ambiguities. We were so vexed by the mystery that is Hollaback Girl that we have devoted countless hours to its study. Our conclusions are below. The first thing you should know, though, is that Gwen is not singing I aint no Harlem fat girlat least, we dont think she is.

Uh huh, this my shiat

Gwen is introducing us to her shiat.

All the girls stomp your feet like this

This talk of shiat and stomping has nothing to do with actually stepping on feces. But what does it mean? From a reading of the later text, we can conclude that the song takes place in the world of high school athletics, and that Gwen is apparently leading the girls in a calisthenics exercise. The shiat, we surmise, is what she calls the exercises shes teaching the other girls.

A few times Ive been around that track
So its not just gonna happen like that

Here, Gwen exhorts the girls to try harder as they jog around the track, reminding them that physical fitness is not just gonna happen, but must be worked at.

Cause I aint no hollaback girl
I aint no hollaback girl

These lines are the most confusing, but their meaning will become clearer later.

Oooh, this my shiat, this my shiat

Gwen repeats this four more times. She wants to make sure that we are well acquainted with her shiat.

I heard that you were talking shiat
And you didnt think that I would hear it

Gwen has been the victim of some slanderous high school gossip, and she doesnt appreciate it. Gwen is 35 years old sliding into MILF status at this point, but well grant her some poetic license

People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up So Im ready to attack, gonna lead the pack

Gwen is going to round up a posse of her girlfriends and retaliate against the person whos been talking smack about her.

Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out

Gwen is going to beat up the person who wronged her, after she completes the cheerleading routine that will inspire the football team to score a touchdown. Gwen has interesting priorities.

Thats right, put your pom-poms down, getting everybody fired up

It seems the entire cheerleading squad is going to beat up the person who spoke ill of Gwen; they have put down their pom-poms, and they are now fired up to exact swift and terrible vengeance on Gwens behalf.

A few times Ive been around that track
So its not just gonna happen like that
Cause I aint no hollaback girl
I aint no hollaback girl

Gwen is apparently the captain of the cheerleader squad; she is the girl who hollas the chants, not one of the girls who simply hollas them back. Given that the squad is preparing to beat somebody up on Gwens behalf, shes picked a strange time to remind them that she is their leader and they are her sheep-like followers. Gwen obviously rules her squad with an iron fist.

Oooh, this my shiat, this my shiat [repeated four times]

Again with the shiat.

So thats right dude, meet me at the bleachers
No principals, no student-teachers
Both of us want to be the winner, but there can only be one
So Im gonna fight, gonna give it my all

We learn that it was a dude who gossiped about Gwen. She challenges him to a fight at the bleachers. If he imagines it will be a fair, one-on-one fight, he is sadly mistaken. Gwen and her aforementioned pack will pounce on him like rabid wolves.

Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you
Thats right, Im the last one standing, another one bites the dust

Gwens pack of furious cheerleaders leaves the boy a quivering, bloody heap behind the bleachers for the groundskeeper to discover the next day.

A few times Ive been around that track
So its not just gonna happen like that
Cause I aint no hollaback girl
I aint no hollaback girl

Having completed their ghastly work, Gwens squad members return to the field and resume their cheerleading activities, as Gwen reminds them once more that she is the boss and they are all her biatches.

Oooh, this my shiat, this my shiat [repeated four times]

By calling her exercise routines sh*t, Gwen is showing us that for all her bravado, the character in this song secretly suffers from profound self-esteem issues. She is a complex antiheroine for an age of changing gender attitudes and expectations.

Let me hear you say, this shiat is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Here, Gwen steps away from this bloody spectacle for a moment to comment on the madness and ugliness of what weve just witnessed, and, by extension, the petty rivalries of high school in general. This shiat is bananas, Gwen tells us, and we can only agree. And lest we miss the point, she spells it out. And repeats it another three times.

A few times Ive been around that track
So its not just gonna happen like that
Cause I aint no hollaback girl
I aint no hollaback girl

Back on the field, Gwen is still bullying the squad to carry out her routines. But now we see her in a new light, as the sad, lost creature she truly is.

Oooh, this my shiat, this my shiat [repeated four times]

As the song fades out, Gwen is left only with her shiat, the mindless exercises that bring her no comfort from the raging emptiness within. As much as she hollas, no one hears her cries for help.