Table Defense

I really want this, for work.

Office Person: "Hey I have a stupid question!"
Me: "Whap!!"


I would actually like to have one of these for the house. Because, you never know when a rampaging zombie or group of zombies might come calling. Seriously, I live really close to a huge graveyard and as a former boy scout I am have a thing about being prepared. I also have a bitter hatred for the undead for some reason.

And it’s so eye-catching and tasteful in its design, I wonder why IKEA isn't selling it.

What drugs can do for you.

Leon Nobles of Seattle, right, signs his name on the neck of Shane "Mystery" Wicker of Puyallup, whose chest bears the names of some of the victims of Saturday's rampage at a Capitol Hill house. Wicker says he always gets people to sign his chest at rave parties.

This guy “Mystery” sounds like a cool dude. That nickname is so crazy! I bet he gave it to himself. I tried to choose my own but “Sideshow” and “Abyss” were already taken. And shit, I can’t believe I didn’t think of getting people to sign my chest at parties. Because like nothing really brings the group together like intoxicated scribblings on a tweaked out weirdo’s chest. Just wait till the next party! I’m bringing two colors!!! Fucking idiot.

LOAD hits the slopes

After 6 plus years of retirement from the sport of skiing Lambchop convinced me to go this last Friday. I was apprehensive due to the length of time that ha passed since my last foray on the slopes and a fear of severely injuring myself. I actually picked it up rather quickly much to my surprise and Lambchop’s as well. One thing that threw me off was the shaped skis I rented. I had always skied on the old school kind, basically what ever my older sister had grown out of and eventually what every my father had deemed unfit to ski on himself. The massive amount of wax took some getting used to as well. I felt that I was walking on ice rather than skiing at times. I was quite proud of myself for not falling down once and not coming home in a cast or other sort of brace type apparatus despite winning the “Most Uncoordinated" award at last years Timothy Lake Invitational.

The Men’s Room or A bad place to score loose change.

I have noticed this strange practice that happens in the men’s room: guys flushing the urinal 3-5 times during the course of taking a leak. I find it odd because I usually don’t flush the urinal because I don’t want to touch the handle of a public toilet but that really doesn’t matter. I have tried to figure out what purpose ritual serves. Are they embarrassed by the sound and are they attempting to cover it up? Some type of strange OCD cleanliness issue? Could they have unbearably rank urine and they're trying to get the stench out of their nose as quickly as possible?
If you are one of these guys could you please explain? Not that I really want to know but it will provide some content because you know this blog needs it.

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Funny thing I recently overheard in the bathroom: “I came in here to pee on the floor, but it looks like someone beat me to it.”

Celebrate St. Paddy’s day and scar the neighborhood kids for life with one simple purchase

One thing I love getting in the mail is the latest Harriet Carter catalog. If you are not familiar with this company they basically sell a whole lot of crap. The pages are filled with knickknacks and little inventions to make life easier. There is also a large selection for As Seen On TV stuff that most of you have undoubtedly ‘seen on T.V.’ at one point or another. Most of the items one could live without yet some leave you saying “Wow that’s a good idea but, I still won’t pay $12.99 for it.”. Yet for reasons unbeknownst to me, I devour each page like it was the latest installment of a comic I was obsessed with or like when I get new pron. I have even snagged it out of the communal pile of mail at work so I can quickly peruse it. I guess the half assed ideas contained within provide me with some sort of essential nutrient. Kind of like how the sun helps you with Vitamin D.

Some of my all time favorites were the blow up mounted deer head and the blow up swordfish. I will have to give an honorable mention to the glow in dark chain fence [sic] . Because nothing says class like an eerie green glow from the fence that surrounds the 3’ x 4’ strip of half dead grass at the front of your trailer.

Pictured: Leprechaun Face

Movie Reviews

Lacking cable the wife and I tend to watch a fair share of movies. Here are some of the few we have seen along with reviews. I figured I should have some catchy rating system ( thumbs, stars) but I am going with the 1-10 system. 10 being the Godfather and Pulp Fiction, 1 being Patch Adams and Muriel’s Wedding.

Date Movie – first I would like to say that the only reason we went to this so called movie was because what we were going to see was sold out. We wanted a night out and thought it would be mildly entertaining, well it wasn’t. This movie isn’t even worth watching or even becoming a coaster in a musty dorm room. It was most certainly not a comedy as it lacked anything funny short of the fact that I paid actual American dollars to see it. It was supposed to be satirical and poke fun at past romantic comedies but instead it recreated similar situations sans jokes. Avoid renting this, or getting someone to burn you a copy, or watching it for free on TV. It sucked ass. I give it a score of -10.

The Island – Our friend Leather loaned this to us and I was rather surprised. I had heard negative things about it and didn’t expect much. It wasn’t a 4 star movie by any means but it had enough story and enough action to keep me interested for 2 hours. Worth the rental if you have limited choices. Score 6.5.

Domino – This movie was nothing more than an over stylized movie that has Natalie Portman trying to sound badass with a British accent and crystal meth inspired twitchy camera shots. I wanted to bang my head against the floor every time the voice over ah la Portman would repeat a line. “My name is Domino Harvey. My name is Domino Harvey” I heard you the first f-ing time. It was annoying to the point that it made me hate the movie. Even the lap dance performed for the Hispanic gang member leader guy in an effort to diffuse a “Mexican standoff” was retarded and made no sense what so ever. Don’t bother renting this but maybe good to catch small bits while channel surfing. Score 2.

Found crap

Interesting order of links:
10 job-hunting rules
Getting rid of arm flab

Its long so don’t strain yourself

The wife asked me last night if the blog was dead. I was taken aback by this comment because I didn’t think that it had really progressed further than the amphibian crawling onto shore and gasping its first painful breaths.

There are also some content issues, the one big one being the fact that my mother reads this blog. It sort of keeps me in check otherwise I would be typing the F word as much as I say it when I am drinking. Those of you that have seen me at my finest can attest to the 25 word run on sentences consisting of the F and a few coordinating conjunctions. It also challenges me to think of things to say that don’t follow my usual line of thinking/comedy. (see filthy, depraved, dark and impending and inevitable doom)

I am also lacking in the adventure department as of late due to the home bound post-operation puppy. Who seems to be doing well and had her first, Dr. prescribed, 5 minute walk in 7 weeks today. I doubt that stories regaling my epic pruning adventures will grab the reader’s ear and leave them waiting for the post on Yard Debris disposal theory: a strategic guide to maximize your removal dollar . I actually might still post that.

Another thing I am trying to avoid is too many posts about people I work with. This is hard because that mine has rich veins. I will however update everyone on the SAW situation. She is fucking gone!!!! Her last day was Thursday and a lot of people were happy. I made sure to crank up the internet radio on the headphones for the last 1 ½ hours before her departure time to avoid talking to her. I was amazed at the amount of work I got done by trying to look busy and unable to talk. I guess that is what I’m actually supposed to be doing. Huh? Who knew?

Last but not least, I was surprised there wasn’t more discussion about the breast pump post. What is with you people?