Gone Hunting

See you kids in 10 days. I'm off to take my gun for a walk in the woods while nursing a vicious hangover.

Play nice.

Glowin like the metal on the edge of a knife

If you read this you probably already know but not only was it my birthday yesterday (9/25) but it was our 2nd wedding anniversary.
According to the internets the traditional gift for this is cotton. Yeah that’s gonna fly. I got her 2 dozen red roses to make all the middle aged single ladies at her office cry.

At least next year (3rd) is leather and the 5th year is supposed to be wood.

Too old for this shit

It’s the morning after my 31st birthday party and I’m brushing my teeth while sleepily starring into the mirror. I notice that a hair on my head is reflecting quite a bit more light than the rest causing it to stand out. Upon further investigation I decide it must be a gray hair and I yank it out. It turned out to be a white hair about 4 inches long. Not gray but white.
I now feel really old.

Deer Season Opener

I bought this hat. Really, I did. Mostly because I thought it was ridiculous. Yes I do hunt but I do not consider myself an ‘assassin’. I would be scared to meet the redneck that bought this because it suited his so called ‘personality’: one Bad M-F@cker.

“That’s right deeeeeeerr! I’m commin for ya uze sons of batches!”

Lessons from the wife: How to embarrass your husband at Costco

As your husband starts pushing the cart towards the registers, remain standing in the pharmacy section and yell, "Hey honey! the Abreva here is only $14.00! Isn't that the brand that you use??"

-Keshmura

Dog Park

I was at the dog park last weekend, with the dog shockingly enough. I was calling said dog, Kimber, back to me and this white trash sort of girl off to my right starts shouting to her friend:

WTSortGirl: “Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh! (unintelligible name) did you hear what that dogs name is?”
2nd WTSG : “No, what was it?”
WTSortGirl: “KIMBER!”
2nd WTSG: “Oh! Like Jem and the Holograms !!!”

I almost started laughing out of sheer embarrassment but instead turned my head towards them, gave a slow super cool head nod and said:
“That’s right”. (They exploded in laughter.) “Because she’s truly outrageous.”

How to expose yourself as a connoisseur of tacky crap.

This was an actual add posted at ####. These are some lovely paintings and on velvet no less. Anyone want me to snatch these up?

"I am cleaning off my walls and getting new pictures. I have two eagle pictures done on Velvet and framed. $10 for the smaller approximately 24x24. $15 for the larger approximately 30x40. $5 for the two small 8x10 pictures. SOLD

If anyone is interested I can bring them in tomorrow."

Squirrels don’t bounce.

Weird thing happened this morning:

I was putting some things in my car before work this morning, dog in tow, and I hear a loud SMACK! I turned around to see a large squirrel lying motionless in the middle of my driveway. The dog runs over to it and starts freaking out and doing a combination of sniffing and jumping at it.
I figure its dead because, well,it isn’t moving and there is a dog directly in its face. I run and grab the dog and as I’m walking her back to the yard I look and see that the squirrel is now dragging its self across the driveway towards the tree it fell out of. I was running late for work so I was kind of pissed that I was going to have to put it out of its misery because by the way it is moving appears that it broke its back legs or its back. I headed to the garage to retrieve a shovel, some rubber gloves, and a garbage bag. When I get back the thing is gone. I searched around and didn’t see any sign of it. When I looked up from where it had landed it was a big fall, somewhere in the neighborhood of 50’. Tough little fuckers. Maybe he did it on a dare?

Music to my ears

Sitting outside during break yesterday I was speaking with a coworker about how his bands CD release party went. In the parking lot a middle aged scruffy looking laborer was enjoying some tunes in his car with all the windows rolled down treating us to his personal collection. This is not uncommon but the music was. There are usual trends that appear in what is played, Hip Hop being the clear leader. We occasionally get treated to Russian techno that sounds like someone playing a recording of a cat being tormented backwards over a fast and generally annoying beat. Then there is the circus music, rather mariachi music that is the more pleasant of the bunch.
The problem was that the aforementioned scruffy was playing ‘Finally’ by the renowned artist Ce Ce Peniston . Yeah, she has a website who knew? Anyways if you’re not familiar with the classic that was first released on January 28, 1992 here are some sample lyrics:
CHORUS:
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelin's can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams
The one and only true love or at least it seems
With brown coco skin and curly black hair
It's just the way he looks at me, that gentle lovin' stare

Guy #1 sitting across from us, after not saying anything for 10 minutes says: “I didn’t think this song was this long”
Load: “Its the under ground remix."
Guy#2: "I think its DJ Scribble."