Your dog will foam at the mouth for the delicious taste of Old Yeller dog food.

While I was at the store this weekend I was in the pet aisle and came across Disney brand “Old Yeller” dog food. I actually laughed out loud. I think it is made out of freeze dried bat. Actually it is pretty crappy once I looked at the ingredients. It‘s mostly yellow corn which isn’t exactly the best food for them. Thanks Disney, now every time I feed my dog I can think of having to eventually shoot it.

/Apologies for the lack of an actual product photo.

Load viciously mauled by dog, lives to tell of his horrifying ordeal.

The wife and I decided to take the new dog for a walk this weekend. We live near a very large cemetery which happens to be a great place to take your dog off leash especially for training. There aren't a lot of 7-9pm burials or mourners so there isn't much to worry about. The walk went well until 9:50pm rolled around. This is the time where the puppy gets restless. Basically she throws a tantrum like a human baby does when they are extremely tired.

So, she is freaking out: jumping, pulling at the leash, ect. I decide to pick her up and she thrashes back-and-forth with her mouth wide open and one of her razor sharp teeth hit the bridge of my nose hard. It was dark out so I put the dog down and wiped what I believed (hoped) to be sweat (hot day) off my nose. I discovered that I was bleeding pretty good.

Load -"honey I'm bleeding" shines flashlight on face.
Wife -"its not that bad"
Load thinking to himself - I have blood all over my hand and I can feel it dripping two big drops off my nose a second!
Load- "its on my face"

I was really worried about my face and with good reason. It isn't because I am a super model or any part of my career stems from my appearance. It is the opposite; but I don't need any more scars to make me look more fucked up. I'm no Brad Pit but I sure don't want to be the next Edward James Olmos. But this new 2" scar that runs the length of my nose isn't what I needed to jumpstart my career.

We were 20 minutes from home and I bled the entire time. It was good that I had a prescription for antibiotics on hand because it wanted to get infected bad and was doing so the next morning.

I will get pictures up after the weekend so you can bare witness to the horror that is my disfigured face (I mean after the dog bit it dipshit).

Anyways, does anyone have a recipe for dog soup? I would like to get a batch or two out of her before she becomes too tough.

Company party update: two thumbs up if you thought it sucked.

Wow just as I suspected my company party was a real stinker. First sign of a bad company party: 2 drink minimum. That is unless you have coworkers that are in AA and score 2 free ones for you.
The wife “You sure have a lot of allies."
Load “What do you mean?”
The wife “The people that keep giving you free beer”

This made me pause and think: are these people really my allies or is this some wide spread conspiracy to get me shit faced. And in doing so helping me to ass out in front of the big boss? I decided that I would drink the beers and keep my eyes peeled. It was extremely difficult but I pulled through.

This drink limit was in all probability the backlash from the last holiday party where one guy was choking on his own vomit 45 minutes after the party started. Then there was the 7 DUI’s. Oh and the cops being called to the hotel that had made a deal with our company for cheap rooms. Classy people all around. I guess that’s what you get when you lead trash to an open bar.
Second sign of a bad company party: super secretive about prizes being given away as if they are ashamed of their spoils of war. I love how I work for a billion dollar company that has record quarters every quarter but they can’t drop 10k on prizes for the people that bust ass for them. I guess when that same company gives a blanket 3% raise year after year one should learn and move on don’t you think? Prizes sucked anyways, not that I wouldn’t have taken it if I won. But I am certainly not heartbroken over loosing out on the basket of bath salts. And yes Turd, I would have shared.

I also successfully avoided my boss the entire time! Yeah!

Curse you Miami Sound Machine!

I said it all along: Grand Theft Auto is an excellent career trainer.

Showing that you are never too young to begin preparing for a fruitful career in the fine art of subterfuge. I give you a 13 year old car thief.

Load's Special Purpose Revealed At Last

Now for all of you that thought my dream of becoming a crash test dummy was "immature", "ill conceived", "moronic" and bat shit crazy I present my Dream Job .

I am currently day dreaming about all the crazy crap I would pull if I had this gig. E-brake turns, double clutching, tire burnouts. All I would have to do is say that I forgot to eat lunch and the hooch made me crazy. I personally do not like driving if I am 3+ drinks drunk (hmm, that needs a better description) . My core argument behind this thinking is because if I am lucid drunk I tend to want to drive fast as shit which isn’t good for anybody and tends to get one noticed. Or if it one of those nights where you stop drinking 1-2 hours before then the booze snooze starts to kick in. So either you get hyper-slightly impaired-speed racer or slightly impaired-light sensitive-tired guy.

I am including a video tape with my resume that will chronicle me drinking a 12 pack and a pint of Jim beam in under an hour. Then I will steal a church bus and try to drive it through an underground mall parking lot at breakneck speeds, all the while trying to slalom the cement pillars. I need two volunteers to tape this event. One guy on the hood and one in the bus with me. You know the number so call or the slots will fill up. And I will buy you lunch, your choice Arby’s or Skippers.

He's been smokin that crack!

Check out this video of the two most unlikely Roommates .

Movie Review time and a moth attack all in one.

It was hot Sunday so the wife, Lambchop, and I decided to go see a movie, mostly for the A/C. We decided on "Wedding Crashers".

The movie was pretty funny. 3 Stars. There were some 4 star moments but considering it didn't tank in the last hour as most comedies do I enjoyed it. Worth a matinee or rental at the very least. Part of my discontent may have been the second row seating and the kink that developed in my neck. Vince was great . When looking at a lower back tattoo on a female wedding guest he comments "might as just as well be a target"

What made the night spectacular was on the drive home we had all the windows down. We got on the freeway and smack! I barely had time to flinch when I saw this large white moth come hurling through the drivers window and hit me in the ear. Remember when you were a kid and it was an absolute laugh riot to flick your friends ear? Well it was sort of like that but felt like the hit was administered by some crotchety old British school marm wielding a ruler with something to prove. It was traveling at a minimum of 65 miles an hour and when it made contact it caused quite bit of pain. Luckily for my loyal fan base I survived and didn't careen off the road, cart-wheeling my car end over end, finally coming to a rest at the bottom of a ravine.

I had my revenge later and took out some of his boys that congregate around my porch light. WeST Side Mother F-cker!

Load to get drunk with the monkeys! Musk ox unavailable for comment.
So my annual employee party is coming up this weekend. The debate begins over hanging out with people I work with and free beer. While some of them are fun to see at work I have one person that I have actually gone and done something with outside of work. Yeah there is going to the bar on payday with a group but that is still kind of like an extension of work just with beer. With a large company parties like this are always strange especially when you are allowed to bring families. You don’t want to hang out the guys you usually share dirty jokes with in the smoking area because your wife is with you or maybe you have your kids with you. I don’t think 12 year old Suzie needs to hear the latest version of “The Aristocrats”.

Then there are the people you BS with through out the day. Fellow time wasters, sharing some conversation for a few minutes here and there. Asking about the weekend or catching up of the social melodrama that is the production floor. Critical facts and information are passed this way such as if the new Russia temp chick has fake who-ha’s or not. Or which poor soul has been dragged into the annoying redhead’s clutches and if anyone has told him she has Human Papillomavirus. These things need to be answered because otherwise it becomes dull. Ok, more dull than the usual week. Everyone finds some people like this at every job. Everyone has their own list, some overlap but they are all unique. Because you get one person that knows about cars so you b.s. with him about that. Another knows a lot about home repair. Then there is the younger guy who always comes back from the weekend with crazy stories. Personal fave was one guy bursting in on his buddy and the ugliest girl at he party, hopping on the bed and pouring beer on them.
What is weird is that you might have the 5 guys that hang out by the ashtray 4 days a week but when you are at the employee party there is this silent understanding that you don’t hang away from the ashtray. Work friends can be weird.

But back to the party. It is like going to a party that you know 80% of the people but you don’t really want to talk to any of them. When you are getting paid it is tolerable because a roof over your head can prevent a torrent of insults. Plus, since you have to see them on Monday you can’t really act like yourself and be honest with them about how fucking stupid their idea for the new project is. It is awkward having someone come up to you that you only put up with because you get paid and they want to talk your ear off. Again, what do you say? “hey dork, beat it” or “um, yeah, oh look I need to go over here for something…”

I am probably going on the rationalization that there is free food and beer. They usually a drawing for big prizes: trips, kayaks, etc. I think it is rigged but who cares. I think I am going to do the usual. Hang out near the bar with the wife and entertain her by telling her sordid details about everyone that walks by.

Talk about a target demographic!

Art Terrorism: Say it With Flowers

http://www.banksy.co.uk/

So this person(s) named Banksy is pretty impressive. He has transcended from being a mere graffiti writer that normal people think of as vandals and hooligans. This guy really has some great social commentary that comes though in his work. What really impresses me is what the media referred to as 'art terrorism'. He has hung his own works of art in The British Museum, The Brooklyn Museum, The American Museum of Natural History, The Museum of Modern Art in NY, and The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Most stay on the walls for a couple of days and are promptly removed when the curators realize that they can't actually tell what should be considered high art. The last one he actually announced a treasure hunt and offered a prize to who ever found it. Here are some examples of his work he has 'donated': http://www.banksy.co.uk/indoors/03.html

Also check out his Manifesto its is quite chilling in its own right. It's "
An extract from the diary of Lieutenant Colonel Mervin Willett Gonin DSO who was among the first British soldiers to liberate Bergen-Belsen in 1945."
http://www.banksy.co.uk/manifesto/index.html

You can find more examples of his work here as well:

http://www.artofthestate.co.uk/Banksy/banksy.htm

Google Image Search for "Kitchen of Doom"

I run across some weird stuff while doing ‘research’ at work. The guy in the middle looks as if he was a few seconds late responding to the photographer

“Now you’re sad! Now you’re a stump! Now you are a frightened little girl! Now you are a rabid crazed coked up werewolf!”.

Or he is the pussy of the group and has come to the sudden realization that he is actually going to have to drink the blood of a goat to pass the final test .

Great Great Granddad