Self Inflicted Misery: A how to guide.

I thought I would share one of the more uncomfortable feelings I have had in recent weeks. Do you know that sick feeling that one gets deep in your stomach when you wake up after you drink beer all night and end up eating week old Kung Pow? That 2 minute warning that your body gives you before the diarrhea express revs up?
Well, I was coming home from work and I had eaten off what is affectionately known as the “Gut Truck” at lunch time. It is one of those mobile food trucks that is run by a Mexican family, toddler and all. The food is good but every once in a while it can do major damage, thus was the case the other night. I was .5 miles from home when the feeling hits. I know I will make it but only if I hurry because it’s not a real “run for the border” express feelings. You know the kind where you are pinching your cheeks together until they cramp and your mind is racing as you try to find a safe spot like behind the insurance office to let loose all the while sweat is pouring from your furrowed brow.
This was not the case, things were going good. The problem was that in my rush to get out of the car I hit my junk with the metal part of the seatbelt. Now I not only have the diarrhea sick feeling, I am doubling over from the knock in the balls. Now for the phallicly challenged: nut pain is unlike another pain. It is not quite sharp and at the same time not quite dull aching either. It’s sort of a sour feeling that makes you want to curl up in a ball, whimper and sometimes puke. Surprisingly the two feelings were completely separate from each other; each provided me with their own unique brand of utter misery. The phrase “works on so many levels” seems quite appropriate to illustrate this point. I eventually made it to the proper facilities with no further incident. But I had gained important knowledge that I can now share with all of you.

Next time: Don't slam drawers while standing in the kitchen naked, your balls will thank you.