Know Shock Value

Take the quiz.

2008-01-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

Costume warehouse

2007-10-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

Running the thin line between completely unnecessary and sheer genius.

2007-08-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hot Dog Toaster - 19062Now you can prepare a pair of red hots, complete with toasted buns, in minutes. Simply drop two wieners and their buns into the toasting slots and let them cook to perfection with no boiling, no grilling, no mess. Plugs into AC outlet; UL listed. Measures 8 3/4"H x 9"W x 5"D.

Listen up

2007-08-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

I know I have been a slacker when it comes to posting but I do have this for you. Not a movie, audio only. Rare studio jam of the Jimi Hendrix Experience. It's fucking awesome. Sit back and enjoy.

Guest Post: I'm not sure if this comes across the way it should.

2007-07-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

As all of Load’s faithful readers know, our dog is black. A friend of mine also has two black dogs, one is a pure bred black lab puppy and the 2nd dog which is a shelter rescue black lab/bassett hound mix. The two of us were walking our pack of black dogs to the lucky lab to let the pups entangle themselves in their leashes while wrestling, while we kicked back some beer. On our way to the pub, a cop car driving down a quiet residential street, slowed to a stop where we were walking and rolled down the window. Our initial thought, was to check and make sure all dogs were properly leashed and to be able to present poop bags at any moment.
The cop….. a lady, said, “Oh, what cute dogs! How old are they, and what kind are they?”
After telling her our dog saga, she replied, “Yeah, I’m in the market for a dog, I just don’t know what kind yet, so I’ve been asking everyone about theirs.”
My friend suggested that she go to the nearby dog park as she would see about 30 different breeds there.
The cop had a hesitant look on her face, to which I piped in, “Yeah, but if you do that everyone there is going to be asking, why is a cop here? Did I not pick up my dogs poop?”
She laughed, agreed with my statement, and drove away.
After she was out of site, I turned to my friend and said, “She was just discriminating against the dogs because they're black.” -The Wife

JFK update: He was a hyper charismatic telepathical knight

2007-07-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

Got a little ugly on ya

2007-07-11T05:46:00.000-07:00

I was helping the Wife wrap my sister’s bridal shower present this weekend. We got her this laundry hamper thing that was on her registry that the store people decided to wrap in a huge decorative plastic bag. The bag wasn’t quite big enough thus, lacking slack to twist the top and secure it with a bow a.k.a. the fashionable garbage bag technique. I finally gave up and busted out the stapler rolling the bag up on the edges and stapled the crap out of it to make it secure.

The Wife- “Well now it looks ugly!”

Load – “That’s what the bows are for.”

The Wife – “Is that what you’re going to say if we have an ugly girl?”

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter

2007-07-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

I usually consume 3-4 cups within 3 hours of waking before I leave for work but I was out of creamer. I usually use sugar free vanilla flavored soy milk which is quite good. Not too sweet and cuts the acidity quite well. With no milk or powered creamer to be found I was desperate. I decided to stop at Starbuck’s and further justified the expense because I was going in on my usual day off.

As I pull in there is a guy with the back of his Expedition open and he is pointing at his rather large dog. He is shaking his finger at the dog and is alternating between pointing at the dog and the interior trunk/hatch release. Which in this particular model is a loop of fabric. I guess the dog had figured out that if he yanked on the loop freedom was a short leap away.

Then I went inside and the place was empty except for an older couple. They obviously had money but poor taste. The lady had expansive sunglasses from Dolce & Gabbana, big gold and diamond-like earrings that complemented her deeply tanned leathery skin nicely. She was sporting a bright red belt with huge gaudy gem encrusted buckle that looked like she had made a failed attempt at seppuku with a bedazzler.

I got in line while she ordered her tea. Then leaned over to look at the juice/sandwich cooler and hem hawed about what she was going to nibble on as to not gain a pound let it foil her attempt to look 25 years younger than she is, which would explain the light blue t-shirt with young girls section at Nordstrom’s.

After two minutes she asked her husband to come get what he wanted. He grabs a sandwich and places it on the counter and walks away. She continues to debate over the yogurt or the scone. She somewhat reluctantly settles on a scone and the cashier goes to ring her up. “Dave. Dave! Do you have any money?” Husband saunters over reading the paper and slowly digs for his wallet. He then spends more time digging for cash than you have spent reading this post. He produces 3 dollars and seems confused and searches for more. All this time the line is increasing by a ratio of 1 person per 30 seconds. He finally realizes that his wallet isn’t going to magically make cash appear and starts pulling out the plastic. Even the simple process of pulling out the credit card took a minute and a half while he debated which one to use pulling out and reinserting 8+ different cards before his made his final decision. Then his wife decides she needs to get two different brands of juice.

I don’t understand how anyone, let alone a pair of people not realizing that they are holding up 15 people who are probably on their way to work. When the 7th person in line starts to sigh and cough it might be a warning sign that you’re an idiot. When the person making the drinks has already taken orders and made drinks for 12 of the people waiting behind you and you’re still digging for invisible cash: you’re an f-ing asshole.

God damn it, I want to be that rich someday. Dare to dream, dare to dream….

That is one HUGE Bitch!

2007-07-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

I guess this isn’t that new but I just saw it. This whippet has a genetic disorder called “double muscle” that makes her look like this. Click here to read the blurb

Big Yellow Helmet - Wife/Load co-post

2007-07-03T00:08:00.000-07:00

Today we salute you Ms. High Wasted Lee Jeans lady.

Ms. High Waste Lee Jeans Lady

You wear a smile on your face as you conquer that hill on your 70 pound bike.

these pants are confining

With your brightly colored t-shirt covered with kittens playing beneath a rainbow that ensures your safety as your ride.
A shirt you’ve owned so long it’s now in style.

its bright yellow

You know you’re doing ok, your stone washed jeans tell your story.

their really bitchin

You go Ms. High Wasted Lee Jean’s lady.
Because your fervent determination to get to the library to get the latest book about dragons and fairies is so intense you sacrifice your personal appearance.

Ms. High Wasted Lee Jeans Lady

Talking Smack

2007-07-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Conversation overheard at work:

Laotian Girl: “What that you eating? Pork?”

Muslim Guy: “No, Beef. (points at her food) You eat dog?”

Laotian Girl: “No, Human.”

Members Only

2007-06-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

Check this out

2007-06-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

Check out this crazy vision test. Try to count all the passes.

Lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

2007-06-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

Inmate Uses Bible to Pound Ink Pen Into Eye

Whoooopps! Poor guy, too bad he is only in jail for sexual assault (and some other pesky crimes). I can’t wait for plan “B”.

Not the usual morning

2007-06-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

I was taking the dog on her usual morning walk before I headed to work last Friday morning when I heard what sounded like a hot rod revving its engine. Weird thing was it was in the sky. When I looked up I didn’t see anything but then the sound suddenly quit. I found it strange that a plane that sounded so close, jets excluded, could disappear from an audible range so quickly. Then I heard a loud dull thud in the distance. I instantly thought a plane had crashed and called the wife, who wasn’t there. I kept walking because I figured that it was far from where I was. On the way back from the house a cavalcade of emergency response vehicles flew by on the main road 2 blocks away. Here’s the story: (edit, link was broken) http://www.kptv.com/video/13520919/detail.html

That poor poor ball

2007-06-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

Go Boobs?

2007-05-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

wow this is so bad its.....

Tough Questions

2007-05-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Last week I was contacted by a business that I deal with at work because they needed to inform me that our representative no longer worked for the company. I didn’t really care because I usually dealt directly with one of his subordinates and I didn’t really care for his hair implants very much. I called the subordinate (Rep) and inquired about why he left hoping to get some dirt. Slowly but surly she went from vague descriptions about how he got fired for “morel reasons“ to saying he got busted for pron on his work computer. I started laughing and asked how he got caught. Her reply:

Rep -“Well you’ve seen those web sites where married men go to find married women right?”

L – “………..um, no.”

More shit from the inbox

2007-05-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

Email from the Wife:

I just called our occupational health vendor. The receptionist answered the phone..

"blah, blah, blah occupational health and Safety, this is ####### speaking."

I said, "wow, that is the first time I have called someone with my name."

She said, "Really!!! How do you spell it?

I said, "#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#."

She said, "Oh, mine doesn't have an H in it. Can I ask you a personal question? What color is your hair and eyes, because if we looked the same, than that would be really weird."

Great, there is a stupid person running around with my name.

Kick the baby

2007-05-16T15:00:00.001-07:00

A day in the life

2007-05-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

Actual email I just sent to my mother:

Do you know if you can come over on Thursday yet?

Reason why is that I was wondering if #### could help me remove 2-3 boards from the deck so I can cover the vent holes in the foundation that the rodents are using to get under the house.

Also, can you send me the link to the story about that poor lady who got eaten by her dogs?

I should really start posting more.

The Facts of Life showed me what's up

2007-05-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

2007-04-26T14:42:00.000-07:00

Anything for love, but I won't do "that".

2007-04-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

I bought a box of Clementine’s at Costco and I asked the wife if she had had one b/c they were particularly delicious.

W- “I don’t like oranges b/c I can’t peel them.”
L – “What do you mean? They’re easy as hell to peel?!?”
W – “I don’t have the thumbs for it, look.”
L – “Did you try to peel one? For Christ’s sake the box says ‘E-Z Peel’ on it.”
W- “Its still too hard.”
L –“Didn’t you notice that the logo is a picture of a cartoon orange with a freaking zipper attached to the peel?”
W –“…..”
L –“Fine, I’ll peel you some.”

Ain't love grand?

Where you, should buy a car.

2007-04-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

NSFW I really don't know why that has to be the screen cap for this video, but watch it anyways.

Povichizms

2007-03-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a coworker about this video the other day. I was telling him about how the girl was stockpiling baby clothes and how she was trying to get pregnant at 15. We started debating the root cause for her attention seeking behavior and how it was a cry for help. I remarked on how this girl didn’t fit the typical ‘young wild out of control skank’ that Maury usually has on his show. Mainly because she wasn’t obese and didn’t look like she was beaten within an inch of her life with the ugly stick. And that she would probably, sans years of heavy drug use, grow up to be a pretty attractive woman.

Then this exchange took place:

L – “Shit, with my luck I’ll have a girl like that.”
J – “….Well, you are married…..Sooo……unless you’re planning on getting a divorce anytime soon…I really don’t see that happening…”
L – “…..I meant ‘have’ as in ‘have a child’ of my own to raise.”
J – “OOOhhh…”
L – “Fuck you man.”

I have no freakin' idea.

2007-02-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that was really weird. I don’t remember all of it but this stuck with me because it was disturbing. Something or other was going on and there was a mirror in front of me. I was having a conversation with my wife and noticed I had a bite/zit thing on my face, off center about an inch, between my eyebrows. Upon further examination was one of those honker zits that are the size of a quarter. I poked at it and it popped. Grosse I know but, here comes the weird part. Left in its place was a hole in my flesh that went down to my skull but lacking a large amount of blood. At first I was freaked out because I was staring at exposed section of my skull. I yelled to the Wife and when I looked back noticed there was a divot on my skull like someone had started to drill it. I turned and yelled to my Wife to come and help me and when I looked again there was an eyeball where the hole had been. I watched it slowly adjust itself into place and then blink and look around as if it was supposed to be there all along. I didn’t notice any improvement of my overall vision but I could feel what was taking place as I watched it happen in the mirror.
Now I’m just confused and wondering why the hell it is there and why it is off center. I looked like a tryclops with fetal alcohol syndrome.

/bracing for "vast improvement" jokes

Shameful

2007-02-15T19:40:00.000-08:00

The Wife actually used the phrase “Bomb Diggity” four times this weekend. I think I’m going to ship her back to Russia. She is going to ruin my cred.

Valentines

2007-02-14T23:33:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone in the office for bringing an assload of candy yesterday. I found there's nothing better than discovering that a piece of chocolate fell in between your legs without your knowledge. Melting onto your blue office chair so when you come back from lunch it looks like you sharded at your desk.

Speak the Hungarian Rapper

2007-01-31T13:26:00.001-08:00

This appears to be for real. Listen for the first 25 seconds to feel the flavor and then make sure you listen at 3:25. It brings tears to my eyes.

You’re a Post

2007-01-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

Turd has a certain running joke format that I’m sure most of you are familiar with. Someone says, for example: “I need a box for this.” And Turd would say “You’re a box.” It is quite contagious and I have personally sought professional help to stop using it. Well Lambchop fell victim to its seductive trappings at work last week.

LC : "Yeah, so my boss came into the back after dealing with a stupid customer and said ‘That stupid f@cking fat bitch’.
And I said “You’re a stupid f@cking fat bitch.”

LC spent the next 10 minutes trying to explain the ‘joke’ to her boss.

Phone torture.

2007-01-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

I was stuck on hold today and was forced to listen to this horrific song .

I come in the name of Jesus! Repeat it after me bitch!

2007-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

Holy crap.

Can you hear me?

2006-12-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

My cell phone speaker blew up this weekend so off to the Verizon store I went. Cell phone stores are a weird place. If one shows ignorance the sales people put on a little show using all the fancy tech lingo and charm they can muster to sign you up. The second you show the slightest bit of knowledge they shift gears. Example: I told them I needed a new phone and my only concern was good reception. I didn’t care about having a camera or even a color screen. The kept pointing me to this piece of crap . For which I had read horrible reviews about. Once I told them I was not interested in that phone and asked about another that I had seen good reviews for the salesperson turned off the charm and took on and indifferent attitude. This happened with 4 different sales people at 2 different stores. I think they were trying to dump the remaining stock and/or were getting special commissions for selling the crap phone explaining the hard push for it.

Then there was this exchange on Sunday:

L- “My Speaker is broken, etc blah blah blah.”

Verizon Lady “What’s your phone #”

L - “###-####”

VL - “How long have you had that number?” (not looking up from screen)

L – “3 or 4 years.”

VL “That was my first cell phone #.” (still not looking up)

L – “Actually I’m stalking you.”

VL - “____________” (still not looking up from screen)

Nothing! Not even an eye roll or disapproving head shake! ACK! Zombies!

Happy Holidays!

2006-12-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

If your care, click here for the story.

Collective IQ of 12

2006-12-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

To my coworker: When I am sitting alone reading the news paper on my scheduled break do not come up and make small talk. Especially when you don’t’ have anything interesting to say and/or it is work related. Because, as I just said, I am on break, from work and from you. More importantly if we are the only two people in our department and we have ample opportunities to communicate about work, my break is not the time I want to be listening to your boring ass. Also, did it look like I was reading that newspaper or just starring at it in some desperate plea for attention? Fucking dipshit.

To the lady that wears ear plugs: Ok you work out on the floor in a warehouse, it’s loud, makes sense to wear hearing protection. But why do you wear them when you go out to your car? Why do you wear them while you eat lunch? Why do you not properly insert them so they are actually protecting your ears? They’re hanging out and make you look like you stuck carrots in your ears.

To the lady that set her lunch on fire: Tin Foil and Microwaves do not mix. When you put a sandwich wrapped in foil in a paper bag and take it to work you shouldn’t place the entire package in the microwave. You couldn’t stop at setting the paper lunch sack on fire could you? Leaving it to smolder and going to the vending machines to buy more food showed just why your job at 45 years old is putting hangers and price stickers on clothes.

To the skanky Russian chicks: Glitter doesn’t make you pretty. Just as sequined pants or tops from Forever 21 make you look tacky and desperate. I do love the huge shinny gold purses, so cliché. I would also like to know why every time I pass one of you after you leave the restroom it smells like the perfume department of a major mall retailer on black Friday? What's the percentage of your perfume budget against your total take home pay? Do you forgo heat and electricity in order to smell like the inside of a perfume bottle?

Die in a Fire.

Epilogue: Squirrels Don’t Bounce

2006-12-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

I was out working on the car on Sunday (changing the fuel filter, air filter, breather valve, cleaning) with David Bowie’s Changes One playing on the record player. Everything was going smoothly until some squirrels who were rather annoyed by the proximity of my work and the apple tree started barking at me. Not barking like a dog but a repetitive angry chatter that's quite annoying. It's particularly annoying for someone who has had to put up with those little fuckers in the woods while hunting. Because, when one stops and takes a break at the top of say, a huge ridge that was on your compass bearing the squirrels get pissed and try to “annoy you” out of their territory by raising an unholy racket. This generally brings forth an extreme road rage type anger with no outlet because, if you shoot it the deer/elk/etc that you are actually hunting for will no longer be around.
Anyways, so these two fat squirrels are barking at me and completely ruining my bitchin’ sing along to Suffragette City. I figured since they wanted the apples so badly I would give them what they desired. After finding a few of the apples that hadn’t turned to mush yet I took aim and let a few fly, missing by a few feet. I managed to shut them up and went about my business. I noticed a while later a squirrel was in down in the driveway eating part of one of the apples that had exploded on the tree trunk. He was lying really low to the ground so I went to investigate.

Well it turns out that Scootsie the Squirrel did in fact injure him/herself when it fell out of the tree back in September . I walked up to it and it dragged itself out of the driveway about 5 feet and being the deductive genius that I am, I surmised that it must have broken its back as it's back legs were not working. I kicked the apple chunk over to it and went back to work. 15 minutes later I look up and it is back in the driveway where the apple was chewing on a stick. I walked over to it and squatted down with about 3 feet between us. It didn’t even flinch so I poked it with a stick and still nothing. After much deliberation over the current quality of life it was living vs. slow starvation when the apples ran out I decided to call in “a guy” to “take care of things”.

RIP Scootsie 200_ - 2006

/I was rather amazed at how many results came up for Dead Squirrel on Google Image Search. Not really worth looking.

Performance eval.

2006-11-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

Overheard in a meeting today:

“In the past two years I’ve only had one blower go down on me. Now that’s saying something.”

Bad Check! Sit, Stay!

2006-11-16T07:10:00.000-08:00

Some clever thief decided to liberate some of my mail. They used one of those convenience checks that credit card companies send out all the time. I found their technique interesting in that they wrote it for an odd amount, $842.50, and that the memo section read “collectables”. I can only assume that this was to throw off the victim being it the person it was made out to, a Robert Marshell, or an unsuspecting bank teller. I would think that Bob was in on the scam and who’s collectables experience is limited to the acquisition of meth and meth related products.

Charges reversed, police report filed, tweaker still on the loose.

Baldwin?

2006-11-09T23:04:00.000-08:00

Keshmura: Think Hollywood Squares/Price is right/Bingo/Barnum&Bailey??

2006-11-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

This is an account of a bizarre dream I had last night, so weird I had to share.

Turd and Goose are on a game show, trying to get married. The set was similar to Hollywood squares only there were like a cajillion squares and each square had a couple dressed in a suite and a bridal gown standing in wedding picture poses.

Turd and Goose were in one of the squares in full wedding regalia, and their pose represented the “leap of faith.” In other words, they were standing in a jumping position with their arms spread out in front while standing on the edge of the square.

While they held their pose a judge stood in front of the squares and an announcer would called out cell numbers. “C4!” Then the corresponding couple would run down, in the ecstatic sort of way “price is right” contestants run down, while circus music played in the background. Then they would stand in front of the judge and get a 20 second ceremony and the announcer would call another cell number and the cycle would repeat.

The announcer called like 20 different cell numbers, and I recall a sense of frustration while Turd and Goose held their pose waiting to be called. I guess I was in the studio audience cheering them on or something. I woke up before they had a chance to call their cell number, but I still have circus music going through my head. - K

Because I'm lacking content

2006-11-03T16:05:00.000-08:00

Lifetime Channel

2006-10-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

Scene:

Parking lot in front of a store in a small town. Pickup trucks are parked along the curb with stereotypical camouflage clad rednecks standing around, dead deer prop in the back.

Redneck 1: slurping beer “I’m damn tired of these folks from Portland coming around these parts with their attitudes, looking down on us like they're better dan us.”

Lady in a hat walks by into the store.

Redneck 2: “Well maybe they don’t like looking at your ugly face much either”

The other rednecks share a collective laugh at Redneck 1's expense, because after all, he does look pretty fucked up. This seems to bother Redneck 1 quite a bit.

Redneck 1 puffs up his chest, approaches and takes a wild swing. Redneck 2 throws a counter punch and knocks Redneck 1 down (fighting move #23).

Cut to inside of store. Woman in hat is on the left speaking to another woman on the right looking out through a large window into the parking lot at the aforementioned fighting Rednecks.

Woman in hat “That’s why there's so much abuse up here. They kill something and celebrate by drinking beer. Those kids don’t have good examples.”

I laughed about this. Mainly because abuse is so uproariously funny. Well actually because it was such shitty acting combined with convenient stereotyping.

If you read this or know me I go hunting. Yes, I have killed a deer before and yes, I have drank beer afterwards. I have never killed a deer, drank a beer and been abusive to anything other than my own liver after said killing. Actually, I should probably also include my sense of human decency.

Bad Bettie Page, sit, stay....

2006-10-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

Storm Troopers do it for the Kids or something.

2006-10-11T03:20:00.000-07:00

This was taken after the Wife, Lambchop, C-Budd, and J-Budd, and I did the bridge pedal a while ago. Long enough ago and minus a spectacular story involving guns, crazy people or public urination it will end here.

We did run into this group of Storm Troopers standing around and trying to collect money for a children’s charity. No idea who for, but we got some pictures. Suckers.

I thought the black one had the best costume. Because really, every time you see a bunch of dorks dressed up in Storm Trooper outfits they are one of the white versions. Stupid majority...

Gone Hunting

2006-09-27T21:34:00.001-07:00

See you kids in 10 days. I'm off to take my gun for a walk in the woods while nursing a vicious hangover.

Play nice.

Glowin like the metal on the edge of a knife

2006-09-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

If you read this you probably already know but not only was it my birthday yesterday (9/25) but it was our 2nd wedding anniversary.
According to the internets the traditional gift for this is cotton. Yeah that’s gonna fly. I got her 2 dozen red roses to make all the middle aged single ladies at her office cry.

At least next year (3rd) is leather and the 5th year is supposed to be wood.

Too old for this shit

2006-09-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

It’s the morning after my 31st birthday party and I’m brushing my teeth while sleepily starring into the mirror. I notice that a hair on my head is reflecting quite a bit more light than the rest causing it to stand out. Upon further investigation I decide it must be a gray hair and I yank it out. It turned out to be a white hair about 4 inches long. Not gray but white.
I now feel really old.

Deer Season Opener

2006-09-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

I bought this hat. Really, I did. Mostly because I thought it was ridiculous. Yes I do hunt but I do not consider myself an ‘assassin’. I would be scared to meet the redneck that bought this because it suited his so called ‘personality’: one Bad M-F@cker.

“That’s right deeeeeeerr! I’m commin for ya uze sons of batches!”

Lessons from the wife: How to embarrass your husband at Costco

2006-09-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

As your husband starts pushing the cart towards the registers, remain standing in the pharmacy section and yell, "Hey honey! the Abreva here is only $14.00! Isn't that the brand that you use??"

-Keshmura

Dog Park

2006-09-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

I was at the dog park last weekend, with the dog shockingly enough. I was calling said dog, Kimber, back to me and this white trash sort of girl off to my right starts shouting to her friend:

WTSortGirl: “Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh! (unintelligible name) did you hear what that dogs name is?”
2nd WTSG : “No, what was it?”
WTSortGirl: “KIMBER!”
2nd WTSG: “Oh! Like Jem and the Holograms !!!”

I almost started laughing out of sheer embarrassment but instead turned my head towards them, gave a slow super cool head nod and said:
“That’s right”. (They exploded in laughter.) “Because she’s truly outrageous.”

How to expose yourself as a connoisseur of tacky crap.

2006-09-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

This was an actual add posted at ####. These are some lovely paintings and on velvet no less. Anyone want me to snatch these up?

"I am cleaning off my walls and getting new pictures. I have two eagle pictures done on Velvet and framed. $10 for the smaller approximately 24x24. $15 for the larger approximately 30x40. $5 for the two small 8x10 pictures. SOLD

If anyone is interested I can bring them in tomorrow."

Squirrels don’t bounce.

2006-09-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

Weird thing happened this morning:

I was putting some things in my car before work this morning, dog in tow, and I hear a loud SMACK! I turned around to see a large squirrel lying motionless in the middle of my driveway. The dog runs over to it and starts freaking out and doing a combination of sniffing and jumping at it.
I figure its dead because, well,it isn’t moving and there is a dog directly in its face. I run and grab the dog and as I’m walking her back to the yard I look and see that the squirrel is now dragging its self across the driveway towards the tree it fell out of. I was running late for work so I was kind of pissed that I was going to have to put it out of its misery because by the way it is moving appears that it broke its back legs or its back. I headed to the garage to retrieve a shovel, some rubber gloves, and a garbage bag. When I get back the thing is gone. I searched around and didn’t see any sign of it. When I looked up from where it had landed it was a big fall, somewhere in the neighborhood of 50’. Tough little fuckers. Maybe he did it on a dare?

Music to my ears

2006-09-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

Sitting outside during break yesterday I was speaking with a coworker about how his bands CD release party went. In the parking lot a middle aged scruffy looking laborer was enjoying some tunes in his car with all the windows rolled down treating us to his personal collection. This is not uncommon but the music was. There are usual trends that appear in what is played, Hip Hop being the clear leader. We occasionally get treated to Russian techno that sounds like someone playing a recording of a cat being tormented backwards over a fast and generally annoying beat. Then there is the circus music, rather mariachi music that is the more pleasant of the bunch.
The problem was that the aforementioned scruffy was playing ‘Finally’ by the renowned artist Ce Ce Peniston . Yeah, she has a website who knew? Anyways if you’re not familiar with the classic that was first released on January 28, 1992 here are some sample lyrics:
CHORUS:
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelin's can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams
The one and only true love or at least it seems
With brown coco skin and curly black hair
It's just the way he looks at me, that gentle lovin' stare

Guy #1 sitting across from us, after not saying anything for 10 minutes says: “I didn’t think this song was this long”
Load: “Its the under ground remix."
Guy#2: "I think its DJ Scribble."

Which Lake?

2006-08-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

The Wife and I went camping with the dog last weekend. Attendance was as follows in no particular order: C-Budd, LL, Murphy, Goose, Turd, Tex, the Jigga, Wej and Tigo.

Murph and C-Budd found a lake, a lake that shall not be named, I don’t want more people knowing about it. Great location despite the horse fly bite I received. The hike in I could have done without but the company and scenery made it worth while.

I learned that despite what the Wife and I thought; Kimber likes to swim. That or she is still trying it out. It all started when Kimber was running around with a dog, Jackson, from the only other camp up there. We were in the process of setting up our tent and we hear Turd say “your dog just jumped in the lake”. I had to ask him to clarify if it was actually her, which was confirmed seconds later by the drenched pooch presenting herself. I then questioned Turd further about whether it was a jump vs. a running and can’t stop situation. Maybe that other dog pushed her in as some sort of cruel stunt? Using skills he learned in his “Witness Coaching” and “How to Win a Case On Looks Alone” classes he assured me that she had jumped in on her own accord. The Wife and I were still in disbelief until the dog did it again after following Murphy down the shore a ways.

We went swimming later and coaxed the dog back in the water after a long solo of wines and guttural howls. I tried to calm her down out in the water only to get the shit scratched out of my chest. I got off easy because the wife got a scratch from her eye down to her lip that was still purple on Monday. The dog was a spastic swimmer and kept biting at the water as she attempted to swim through it.

I was fortunate enough to wake up at 6:45am with a face full of sunlight and a full bladder. Being so early and me being so f-ing awake I took the dog on a walk to save the others from a similar fate. I had to go off trail to get around the other tents because they were pitched on the only trail around the lake. In doing so I got the walking tour of where everyone goes to the bathroom, or what I dubbed “the trail of tears”. One plus about being up so early is that I was able to get some cool pictures of the sunrise and the lake.

Very fun trip and I would certainly drag my ass up that hill again.

Junk Email Cleanup

2006-08-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

I received this email from a ‘Lewis Blackburn’ the other day. I found it captivating and thought I should share:

They hadbeen obliged to fetch horses to drag Progress up the hill! They would laugh at him in the family if they knew hed beenlooking at their roots. Change, its all onthe surface, thought Soames; the roots are the same. While she washed off powder and put it on again Fleur thought:Dear Dad!
I thought perhaps you were secretly afraid of settling again.
She started the car, and, once out of the lane, drove at a greatpace. Im tired, Dad; and youll have a long day to-morrow. Then, with her heart beatingfast, she went up and rang the bell.
Suppose Jon remained immovably opposed to secrecy.
If she claimed him,if she decided on declaring their act of union, he supposed it did.
Looking down in disapproval at a flat stone, he saw on the worn andlichened surface a capital F.
Soames was impressed, indeed, by theextreme emptiness of this parish where his roots lay. I want the vicarage now, or whatever it is. Jon was hers now, he could not betray their secretunless she gave him leave.
Very slowly shedrove, and only when she reached the Dorking road did she quiteabandon hope.
He stepped back to the window, andstopped with his heart in his mouth. She left him at ten oclock, brushing his nose with her lips. Soames got into the car, and, opening his packet ofsandwiches, began to eat.
Now, let me come and tell you how to get to it. CHAPTER XBITTER APPLELife revived in Fleur while she went about her business in themorning.
Sheknows, thought Jon, she knows something.
For a moment he seemed to understand even himself. Where had she read that one always looked ones worst in a mirror? She rose from her knees, and stood peering intothe brightened dusk.
He rode slowly so as to have the less time at home,dreading the night.

Kepulchura guest post

2006-08-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

From the Wife:

MUST LOVE DOGS

Our dear friend Lamb Chop, has been doing us the favor of taking our dog to the dog park on days that I have class in the evening. Load late so days that I have class would mean the dog would be locked up with out exercise for 12 plus hours and we would come home to an extremely frustrated and hyper puppy. Everyone’s heard of the repercussions of this with the blog about the couch incident.
Anyhow, it seems Lamb Chop has figured out a way to work this obligation to her favor. Lamb Chop and Megs were at the park with my dog and noticed a young man in a suite talking on a cell phone with no dog of his own in sight. Curious about this, Megs and Lamb Chop begin discussing the possibilities that perhaps he is just there to try to impress chicks, a popular dog park misconception. To test this theory, they make a Hollywood attempt to catch this guy’s attention. Using my dog as bait, they throw the ball towards the young man. Now, a little back ground on my dog’s ball playing abilities. She is the most ungraceful ball player in history. Throw the ball, she’ll scamper, scamper, scamper after it until the ball comes to a slow stop, then unable to slow herself down she will run past it about 10 feet and then run back to retrieve it, if another dog had not done so already. With that said, after Lamb Chop threw the ball towards this young man, my dog slides past the ball with her usual M.O. only this time sliding into the man like he were the catcher blocking home plate. I’m afraid Lamb Chop and Megs preceding laughter mixed with apologies did nothing to open the door of conversation.

Jesus Freaking Christ

2006-08-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

Penicillin: the breakfast of champions (Remcommended)

2006-08-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

I’ve got a virus or malware of some sort on my work PC. It is a clever one because our tech tried to kill it for 2 hours last night and it kept coming back like David Spade's career. It attempts to trick the user to install a virus scanner, ironic? Anyways it came with this great screen prompt. Sorry for the quality but screen capture isn’t my forte.

"Bank Bank" - that sounds dirty

2006-08-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

From The Wife:

I’m at the bank finishing up my transaction, when all of a sudden the loudest most prolonged CRASH occurs behind me. I turn around and in the middle of a 6 foot x 6 foot pile of scattered coins and glass is a little girl standing there with her eyes welling up and her hands covering her mouth. The entire bank is staring. She immediately looks over at a man standing at the very edge of the pile, (Her father, who had keenly jumped out of harms way.) She hops through the pile to him, throws her arms around him, hides her face in his chest, and says, “Daddy, what do I do??”

His response………with his arms in the air as if told to do so by the cops, he says, “I don’t know………, don’t get cut?”

My first thought, “Ever heard of coinstar?”

- Keshmura

Whale Tale

2006-08-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

This picture is from an article about the woman pictured having inappropriate relations with a 13 year old boy. What got me was under her picture on the web page was the word “+enlarge”. Is that possible?
Click Me for the Article

Goose nabs Turd: a wedding story

2006-08-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

The Wedding went off without a hitch. I thought it looked great, sounded great and the guests (including myself) had a blast.

The only thing I would have changed, besides my shoes, was that the reception would have been longer because we were all having so much freaking fun. As for the shoes, for those of you that didn’t hear me bitching about them, the damn things were hurting my feet so bad that I considered stealing Hip E’s gay buckle shoes from Johnny D.

Hip E didn’t loose the rings and gave a great speech though I was blamed somewhat directly for Bain’s borderline psychosis in the process. Murphy did equally as well but should have included me because I am narcissist.

All the bridesmaids looked stunning as did the bride. Goose – good thing you don’t make friends with ugly people.

Bennett and I were amazed that Turd’s left leg, while anxiously awaiting his bride, could actually shake so fast that it was messing up our hair. That’s saying something considering we were on the end and how much fucking hair goop Bennett had in.

I would like to take the credit, though again I probably told everyone at the wedding, for the DJ playing “Shout”. I wish there were 30 songs like that to fill up every party.

Mikey H was the man with his pimp swagger while escorting C-Bud down the aisle shutting down Wally’s attempt at a 10.0 with the “politician” walk. (Point, Smile, Wink)

Wally was gay as usual, he wouldn’t talk to the female photographer who he thought was nice, even though she had already seen him in his underwear.

It was nice meeting more of the SF crew – Thrill, Rosie, and RB. I don’t have any dirt on you guys, good job. Except Pete and Johnny D, you know what you did.

Embers was great. And to everyone who thought that “going home to change my shoes” was some bullshit pass out excuse: eat shit. If you were there you know that I was tearing up the dance floor like a coked up werewolf. The next day the Wife and I remarked at how much fun we had. 4 hours later I had a fearful thought: did we have so much fun that we looked like total asses?

I’m still on the fence as to who won the ass out award. From what I saw/heard so far, I think the Aunt L may have won it by default with a paltry performance. She was just drunk off her ass and had no idea she was slurring as if someone had hit her with an elephant tranquilizer. Really not deserving of an award. I’ve done better at Brrrritts holiday parties. I don’t think there were any “stand-out” performances but we will find out Friday at the black cat when all the reports come in.

Missionary

2006-07-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

I had to share this bed I found on craigslist.com. Look at this thing, talk about devotion, sorry, delusion.

http://eugene.craigslist.org/fur/179783627.html

The Wife vol XIIV11R

2006-07-24T23:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I was flipping channels and caught one of the most captivating Elimidates yet. Already drunk in the second round, three girls and one guy were drinking in the kitchen of some house. Girl 1 takes the guy into a bedroom, where camera’s follow and Girl 2 & 3 stay in kitchen. Soon Girl 2 & 3 decide to see what is going on and find Girl 1 topless and the guy with only his boxers on in a somewhat precarious position on the bed. Girl 2 has flashbacks of her boyfriend of 7 years cheating on her, goes psycho screaming and crying as she runs into the bathroom. Guy quickly puts his pants on and runs to the bathroom to console Girl 2 by telling her that “he wasn’t planning to cut her until the next round.” Girl 2 does not find these words consoling and instead goes Jerry Springer on his ass, yelling obscenities in his face while pointing her acrylic nails at his head, he in turn follows her lead by slurring, “Biatch, you can’t have my ass, I wasn’t going to cut you but you act like dis?” Finally she leaves, after a heartfelt monologue to the camera about her humiliation and the date goes on. Like all Elimidates the two remaining girls and the guy end up in a hot tub. To end all ironies, Girl 3 tries to convince the guy not to eliminate her, because she has so much more to offer him than Girl 1. Honey, I think Girl 1 already kicked your ass in the “offer,” dept. No need to tell you how it ended.

- Keshmura

Yeah another post about my dog but, this time its personal.

2006-07-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

I have been busy so all 3 of you that read this blog must be clamoring for more from el Load.

Well the most recent excitement is that after 2 months of being allowed to roam the house while we are at work without incident ended last night. The little bitch decided that the couch needed a new and exciting look. She then proceeded to eat a hole out of the middle of the bottom cushion. Not only was I pissed that she ate the couch but that she ate the cushion on my side! Not the side of the cushion, but smack dab in the god damn middle thus rendering the integrity of its comfort providing capacity ineffective I pondered why she chose this particular spot, was there something about it that made it more appealing than an old shoe? Or her own stinky dog bed? I could only think of two reasons why.
1. That it was completely random and just happened to be where her head was laying when she got bored and thought it would be a joyous game to eviscerate the couch cushion.
2. The other, less appealing and more disgusting reason being that that particular spot is where my fat ass resides while I am on the couch. So, with her keen canine sense of smell she was hypnotized by the faint, yet musky sweet aroma of lingering Load farts and ass sweat. Yes, I know that is gross but we all fart, (but girls don’t poop!) and one would think that if they were prone to sitting in the same spot for even one hour per night, and if analyzed at a microbial level, the spot that was sat in on a consistence basis would show more, um, ?Farts/per inch? than the cushion next to it.

Anyways, the dog was yelled at by the wife as she came home first. I’m glad I wasn’t the first to discover the van-damage because I would have wanted put the hammer down as it were. The wife must have done a good job of informing said Bitch that her behavior and actions were completely unacceptable as when I came home 2.5 hours later all I had to do was point at the couch and the dog ran into the other room with her tail between her legs.

So to make a long story, well end: anyone know a recipe for Korean soup?

Why I hate people

2006-07-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear neighbor,

I understand that you love your dog; I in fact own one and care about it deeply as well. I don’t mind that your dog feels the need to growl like Cerberus
guarding the gates of Hades whenever I am walking by with my dog. He is only doing what he sees as his role in your “pack” and I commend him for doing it so diligently. I also think it is a pretty cool trick that he fetches the paper in the morning like the dogs in the comic strips.

However, when said dog is on his fetching mission and decides instead to come up and smell my dog and then proceed to attack her without provocation; I have a problem. I am not a cruel and violent person, but when it comes to protecting me and mine I do not hesitate to react. You may have noticed your dog possibly walking with a limp or having a sore spot, which would be where I buried my foot in his side as he was attempting to eat my dogs face. He apparently didn’t take kindly to being kicked and retreated rather quickly back to your property. From the way he was moving I would surmise that no permanent injuries resulted from my actions.

I would appreciate it if you could control your animal and perhaps consider getting your own paper in the future you lazy fuck.

Sincerely,

Load

Which one?

2006-06-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

The wife and I went downtown last Saturday for the farmers market. Parking was shitty so I dropping her off so she could take care of an errand. I ended up parking 20 blocks away so I gave her a call.

L – “Did you get your stuff done?”

W- “Yeah”

L – “Where are you?”

W – “I’m by Starbucks”

L –“……..ok, that really doesn’t help me at all.”

Because you need it.

2006-06-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

Saved By the Bell Cast Updates

Are you Home Depot material?

2006-06-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every time I go to Home Depot it takes 20 minutes to get help? I swear I know more about that store than 90% of the associates that are there to ‘help’ you find something. I went there on a work errand and it took the guy 20 minutes to find where the back stock for the items was on the computer and another 5 to stare at the 20 boxes on the shelf which happened to be directly above the items in question. It then took 10 more minutes to retrieve a rolling ladder type device to get them down. I thought they were supposed to have helpful and knowledgeable sales people to help out with all your home improvement needs? Don’t they look for that sort of experience during the interview process? I would think that there would at least be a training program. I just wanted to buy 20 f@ucking paint scrapers and I was instead privy 35 minutes of lackluster customer service, severe career ineptitude and a strong desire to inflict bodily harm.

And what the hell is wrong with those two? That girl looks nervous as if she has a secret crush on Ivan over there in all his steely eastern block glory. He looks like he just considered doing the deed and is still reeling from the mental picture.

What's funny is that I hadn’t looked at his name tag, sorry permanent marker on apron, and his name is in fact Ivan. Click the picture, check it out.

Because the Girls don't have blogs

2006-06-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Lessons from the Bachelorette party.

The girls can too party like the boys

Hanging with 9 other hot girls EQUALS free booze, short lines and your own bathroom stall.

Showing your cleavage to the bellhop does not get you VIP passes to a club.

When the car salesman of a waiter offers you a shot, its probably costs $12.
Two bachelorettes at the same party can be perceived to as lesbian wedding.

Though they looked like nuns they sure didn't act like nuns..

Even partying in two different towns you can still argue with your EX-boyfriend on the phone and then be confused the next day if you were arguing of just flirting heavily.

When Murph says the show starts at 8:00, she means 7:30.

Eating breakfast at 5am does not help the hangover, if it gives you food poisoning.

It's a bad idea to try to prove to someone your strongman ability of carrying someone while drunk and in heals.

It's a bad idea to trust someone to prove their strongman ability by letting them carry you while drunk and in heals.

Taking pictures with people sleeping at the slot machines is good 4am fun.
Limos Rock

For some reason mustard packets randomly fall out of Brit.

--Kesthuramurah

STICKY TRICKY AND BANG!

2006-05-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

Here's another video with 4 bubble gum pop Japanese girls with a fat, cape wearing dude in a gold speedo bouncing in the background.

CLICK ME FOR VIDEO

Another Video: One Lady punches another Lady.

2006-05-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

SMACK!

Blog Filler

2006-05-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

And you think you're cool?

2006-05-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

Alright folks I’m not really sure how to explain this one. Here you go, the google video Night of Fire .

I swear, they had us surrounded

2006-05-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I took some time off to head 300+ miles away into the SE desert of Oregon to do some charitable work. I was volunteering my time to a local rancher there, Herb, that is an acquaintance of my step dad Buckles. It seems that the practice of farming alfalfa, oats, etc provides a huge surplus of food for the native sage rat population (similar to prairie dogs). Which in turn alters what would be the natural population to surge and become so large that the native predators can’t keep the sage rats in check.

That is where a professional such as myself comes in. Many ranchers there welcome varmint hunters to come and help try to control the population of sage rats by shooting as many of them as possible. I spent the better part of two days perched on the back of a pickup waging war on the little bastards. 3000 rounds of ammunition later I barely made a dent in the field I was shooting in.

Load: 2500+ Sage Rats: 0

I also made it home from Hines, OR to my house in 4 hr 40 min. Mapquest.com says it takes 5 hr 48 min. I’m surprised my car didn’t explode.

Dirty Post, mom don't read this.

2006-05-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

I was looking up some song lyrics on goggle this morning and as expected with any search some XXX links were in the top 10. I found the short description below this link amusing.

Google search words: "teenage monster high school queen"

3rd result:
gay shaved taxi wrestling college bisexual geisha stoned anal ...this fuckin boys movies buttcam & mexican innocent teen fist. curly librarian natural wettshirt queen bra doggystyle wax bizarre facefucked saggytits ...943.fuck-free-online.info/ - Similar pages

I for one would think that a movie that involved all of the above would be illegal in at least 36 states including Porto Rico.

"I bet gay shaved taxi wrestling probably feels pretty great." - Hip

@#$%@#$%#$

2006-05-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Shut the f@ck up! Jesus Goddamned Christ!!! I am about to freaking go off on my counterpart at work. Basically I am in the middle of something. He wants to make a little small talk, which is fine. The problem is he will have me look at an interesting picture or some news article and make a mundane comment on it. I pleasantly acknowledge what is said and then turn my attention back to what I was doing before. After about 4-5 seconds, just enough time to be re-immersed in what I am doing he has another sentence to add. Again I acknowledge him and attempt to get back to what I was doing. This interruption cycle repeats for 5-10 minutes sometimes. It drives me up the freakin’ wall! He also does this with stories as if his mouth is 5-10 seconds behind his brain. It isn’t the occasional brain fart but a rather annoying way of taking up someone else’s time. It is like listing to the kid Stevie with the asthma on Malcolm in the Middle.

What your local minimart clerk does in his free time.

2006-04-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

I really don’t know what to say about this this guy. I guess he is a rapper and his gimmick is that he is some sort of zombie rapper thug from beyond the grave. I like the wounds on his arms, they really add a touch of class and bring his act to a whole new level. Because nobody can take a Zombie seriously unless they have some pieces missing or large holes in their undead flesh especially if they are a supposed “thug”. Zombie thugs have to have the juice or they get dead quick. Wait, wouldn’t they just keep shooting each other until they ran out of bullets?

And be sure to check out his prison art, a modern day renaissance man.

Word.

I watch this crap so you don't have to.

2006-04-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

Here are some movie reviews for all of you and to be less boring than usual I’ll keep them short and sweet.

Doom – As a fan of the video game I was sort of obligated to see this movie, it is exactly what you would expect. Some space marines go to mars and they shoot some big f-ing monster/demon things. Don't bother watching this it would be better to wait until you are flipping channels and watch a couple of minutes of it. I guess it was better than infomercials.

Silent Hill - Alien and I went to this movie because the girls were out of town. We went despite knowing it would probably suck but it was our risk to take. As Alien put it “I don’t know if it will be any good but Jules would never go to a movie like that.” I think that freedom to make a dumb decision blurred our judgment and the slim hope it wouldn’t suck seemed brighter that it should have. How bad was it? I’ll put it this way; people were laughing and talking during the entire movie and no one cared.

Hostel – This was a so, so fick. Basically a simple story about some guys backpacking in Europe. They get a lead on this youth hostel that is some sort of freaky sex club. They end up hanging out with these hottttt foreign chicks who end up drugging them and selling them to some bad dudes. The bad dudes run a place where you can kill a human for a nominal fee. Pretty messed up torture scenes but not as bad as I anticipated.

Beep Blarp Blarp

2006-04-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Fuckface,

If you haven’t noticed that the cubicle walls that separate the desks in this office, like any office, are mainly there to mark off your territory. The by no means actually separate you from the rest of us. Cubicle walls are a fictitious barrier provided to the worker to keep us from having to look others in the eye too often and to give us the illusion of personal space. They do however provide us with the luxury of hearing everything our neighbor’s do. Right down to the light clicks of the keyboard and the shuffling of paper.
Subsequently, when you are playing with your new fancy cell phone it isn’t as though you are really in your own little world. I get sort of, well pissed off when I hear every beep of the keys as you navigate through what seems like never ending menu options. I would also rather not be subject to hearing every ringtone on your phone 5 times. Did you ever stop to think that I might not want to be a witness as you construct your personal identity that you present to the outside world with your ringtone? That I might not want to be caught up in your careful selection of which zany sound or clip of the new Black Eyed Peas song really communicates to the world what type of person you are or what you want to be perceived as? It doesn’t really matter which one you choose. Because no matter which one becomes your new theme song, it will still be the theme song of an annoying shit-bag. Play with your new crap somewhere else, I’m trying to look busy.

L.

Title goes here

2006-04-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

The Wife and I are driving home from dinner on Saturday night with Mom and Buckles ridding presidential.

Load “What do you guys want to do?”

Wife “Can’t we rent a game?”

Load “What do you mean, like board games? Who the hell rents board games?”

Wife “Nooo, like DVD games.”

Load “What?”

Wife “You know like “Yell at the TV” or something.”

Monday email from the Wife.

2006-04-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

the Wife

"By the way the cats claws need to be cut. This morning she was pawing at the covers trying to get under and she was annoying me, so I kept pushing her away. She then proceeded to put her front paws on my face and go "brrrt, brrrt." So I grabbed her to get her off of my face and she obviously felt the need to hang on for dear life, by letting her claw scrape across my face as I dragged her off. I then grabbed her and shoved her under the covers where she was content until the alarm went off.
When I finally woke up, I noticed my cheek was stinging a little bit. Looked in the mirror and I have this nice 4-5" cat scratch on my lower cheek, near my mouth.
Its great. My face looks like one of the Latino hookers in Kill Bill."

"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!"

2006-04-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

We took the nephew down to the farmers market last weekend to meet up with J&A. I came across a cool booth run by a company called March Biological that sold natural solutions to pest control. I decided to add to my arsenal in my war against my yard so I made two key purchases: a Preying Mantis egg sack and some Nematodes.

Preying Mantis are pretty badass as many of you know so I won’t bore you with the details. Though I will provide you with a link to a video displaying the power of these magnificent inscects: preying mantis vs. a mouse (link goes directly to video). What is cool is that there are 100-200 in each egg sack!

The Nematodes on the other hand are quite interesting. From the March Biological Website:

Beneficial Nematodes are microscopic and live below the soil surface and like a moist environment. Looking like short non-segmented worms these voracious predators make their way through your lawn and garden looking for food. Nematodes do not harm worms, birds, plants or the environment, in fact they are part of the environment and are found the world over.
When the nematode comes in contact with a pest the attack by entering through body openings or simply by boring through the body wall, once inside the Nematode will release a bacteria that kills it's host within 48 hours. They will feed and reproduce before exiting in search of fresh prey.

That sounds like a shitty way to die but its my yard and I pay the taxes.

Guest Post from the Wife

2006-04-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

I met the dumbest girl ever.

I meet this girl named Nancy the other day, an extremely pail white girl with blonde dreadlocks and red sunken eyes, which I at first thought was some strange make up, but then realized this girl was either severely deprived of sleep or whatever her drug of choice is.

Anyhow I immediately disliked this girl, which if you know me, I’m usually not big on making snap decisions whether I do or do not like someone. However this was how our meeting went.

“Hi, I’m Nancy.”
“I’m Kashmura”
“Can I call you Katharine? That would be easier for me to remember.”
“No.”

LOAD: "For those of you that have never heard the Wife’s cold let-get-down-to-business tone, it’s brutal. She has never used it on me but I have seen her pull it out in situations that call for it. Case in point was when she called the travel agent on our honeymoon because they had sold us rooms in a hotel that was under construction. It is bone chilling to watch people’s responses to it. They tend to step back a few feet followed by a moment of silence. Sort of like a verbal missle that stuns her opponents."

Table Defense

2006-03-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

I really want this, for work.

Office Person: "Hey I have a stupid question!"
Me: "Whap!!"

I would actually like to have one of these for the house. Because, you never know when a rampaging zombie or group of zombies might come calling. Seriously, I live really close to a huge graveyard and as a former boy scout I am have a thing about being prepared. I also have a bitter hatred for the undead for some reason.

And it’s so eye-catching and tasteful in its design, I wonder why IKEA isn't selling it.

What drugs can do for you.

2006-03-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

Leon Nobles of Seattle, right, signs his name on the neck of Shane "Mystery" Wicker of Puyallup, whose chest bears the names of some of the victims of Saturday's rampage at a Capitol Hill house. Wicker says he always gets people to sign his chest at rave parties.

This guy “Mystery” sounds like a cool dude. That nickname is so crazy! I bet he gave it to himself. I tried to choose my own but “Sideshow” and “Abyss” were already taken. And shit, I can’t believe I didn’t think of getting people to sign my chest at parties. Because like nothing really brings the group together like intoxicated scribblings on a tweaked out weirdo’s chest. Just wait till the next party! I’m bringing two colors!!! Fucking idiot.

LOAD hits the slopes

2006-03-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

After 6 plus years of retirement from the sport of skiing Lambchop convinced me to go this last Friday. I was apprehensive due to the length of time that ha passed since my last foray on the slopes and a fear of severely injuring myself. I actually picked it up rather quickly much to my surprise and Lambchop’s as well. One thing that threw me off was the shaped skis I rented. I had always skied on the old school kind, basically what ever my older sister had grown out of and eventually what every my father had deemed unfit to ski on himself. The massive amount of wax took some getting used to as well. I felt that I was walking on ice rather than skiing at times. I was quite proud of myself for not falling down once and not coming home in a cast or other sort of brace type apparatus despite winning the “Most Uncoordinated" award at last years Timothy Lake Invitational.

The Men’s Room or A bad place to score loose change.

2006-03-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

I have noticed this strange practice that happens in the men’s room: guys flushing the urinal 3-5 times during the course of taking a leak. I find it odd because I usually don’t flush the urinal because I don’t want to touch the handle of a public toilet but that really doesn’t matter. I have tried to figure out what purpose ritual serves. Are they embarrassed by the sound and are they attempting to cover it up? Some type of strange OCD cleanliness issue? Could they have unbearably rank urine and they're trying to get the stench out of their nose as quickly as possible?
If you are one of these guys could you please explain? Not that I really want to know but it will provide some content because you know this blog needs it.

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Funny thing I recently overheard in the bathroom: “I came in here to pee on the floor, but it looks like someone beat me to it.”

Celebrate St. Paddy’s day and scar the neighborhood kids for life with one simple purchase

2006-03-08T22:47:00.000-08:00

One thing I love getting in the mail is the latest Harriet Carter catalog. If you are not familiar with this company they basically sell a whole lot of crap. The pages are filled with knickknacks and little inventions to make life easier. There is also a large selection for As Seen On TV stuff that most of you have undoubtedly ‘seen on T.V.’ at one point or another. Most of the items one could live without yet some leave you saying “Wow that’s a good idea but, I still won’t pay $12.99 for it.”. Yet for reasons unbeknownst to me, I devour each page like it was the latest installment of a comic I was obsessed with or like when I get new pron. I have even snagged it out of the communal pile of mail at work so I can quickly peruse it. I guess the half assed ideas contained within provide me with some sort of essential nutrient. Kind of like how the sun helps you with Vitamin D.

Some of my all time favorites were the blow up mounted deer head and the blow up swordfish. I will have to give an honorable mention to the glow in dark chain fence [sic] . Because nothing says class like an eerie green glow from the fence that surrounds the 3’ x 4’ strip of half dead grass at the front of your trailer.

Pictured: Leprechaun Face

Movie Reviews

2006-03-07T09:04:00.001-08:00

Lacking cable the wife and I tend to watch a fair share of movies. Here are some of the few we have seen along with reviews. I figured I should have some catchy rating system ( thumbs, stars) but I am going with the 1-10 system. 10 being the Godfather and Pulp Fiction, 1 being Patch Adams and Muriel’s Wedding.

Date Movie – first I would like to say that the only reason we went to this so called movie was because what we were going to see was sold out. We wanted a night out and thought it would be mildly entertaining, well it wasn’t. This movie isn’t even worth watching or even becoming a coaster in a musty dorm room. It was most certainly not a comedy as it lacked anything funny short of the fact that I paid actual American dollars to see it. It was supposed to be satirical and poke fun at past romantic comedies but instead it recreated similar situations sans jokes. Avoid renting this, or getting someone to burn you a copy, or watching it for free on TV. It sucked ass. I give it a score of -10.

The Island – Our friend Leather loaned this to us and I was rather surprised. I had heard negative things about it and didn’t expect much. It wasn’t a 4 star movie by any means but it had enough story and enough action to keep me interested for 2 hours. Worth the rental if you have limited choices. Score 6.5.

Domino – This movie was nothing more than an over stylized movie that has Natalie Portman trying to sound badass with a British accent and crystal meth inspired twitchy camera shots. I wanted to bang my head against the floor every time the voice over ah la Portman would repeat a line. “My name is Domino Harvey. My name is Domino Harvey” I heard you the first f-ing time. It was annoying to the point that it made me hate the movie. Even the lap dance performed for the Hispanic gang member leader guy in an effort to diffuse a “Mexican standoff” was retarded and made no sense what so ever. Don’t bother renting this but maybe good to catch small bits while channel surfing. Score 2.

Found crap

2006-03-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

Interesting order of links:
10 job-hunting rules
Getting rid of arm flab

Its long so don’t strain yourself

2006-03-01T08:59:00.000-08:00

The wife asked me last night if the blog was dead. I was taken aback by this comment because I didn’t think that it had really progressed further than the amphibian crawling onto shore and gasping its first painful breaths.

There are also some content issues, the one big one being the fact that my mother reads this blog. It sort of keeps me in check otherwise I would be typing the F word as much as I say it when I am drinking. Those of you that have seen me at my finest can attest to the 25 word run on sentences consisting of the F and a few coordinating conjunctions. It also challenges me to think of things to say that don’t follow my usual line of thinking/comedy. (see filthy, depraved, dark and impending and inevitable doom)

I am also lacking in the adventure department as of late due to the home bound post-operation puppy. Who seems to be doing well and had her first, Dr. prescribed, 5 minute walk in 7 weeks today. I doubt that stories regaling my epic pruning adventures will grab the reader’s ear and leave them waiting for the post on Yard Debris disposal theory: a strategic guide to maximize your removal dollar . I actually might still post that.

Another thing I am trying to avoid is too many posts about people I work with. This is hard because that mine has rich veins. I will however update everyone on the SAW situation. She is fucking gone!!!! Her last day was Thursday and a lot of people were happy. I made sure to crank up the internet radio on the headphones for the last 1 ½ hours before her departure time to avoid talking to her. I was amazed at the amount of work I got done by trying to look busy and unable to talk. I guess that is what I’m actually supposed to be doing. Huh? Who knew?

Last but not least, I was surprised there wasn’t more discussion about the breast pump post. What is with you people?

Biohazard

2006-02-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Office Lady who just had a kid,

Please stop washing out your breast pumping accessories in the break room sink. Wash them out in the bathroom sink. Unless of course you are performing your harvesting at your desk, which only makes me more grossed out that I already am thinking that there are bodily fluids being dumped freely into a community sink. What if I was washing out some container I had my blood in? See, pretty disgusting when you think about it. I know it is the miracle of life or whatever and “what about when you have kids” bullshit but, it is some stranger who could be carrying hepatitis, Ebola, or avian flu. I’m no germ phoebe I just have a healthy fear of the ones that kill you painful and fast.

Sincerely ,

Load

Another reason why cubicles suck

2006-02-22T09:23:00.000-08:00

We all hate it, the acrid smell of burning popcorn as it enters ones olfactory senses. This is one of the few things, not counting the old guys aftershave, that can actually flood the shared air space of a large office in a matter of seconds. It’s usually caused by some brainiac science type (you know, the ones that use numbers and stuff) who somehow has not yet learned to read the instructions on the freaking bag. The mutants in the lunch room seem to be able to get it right 95% of the time so why the computer programmer cannot fend for himself is beyond me. There is a gray area in the instructions as they are considered recommendations and the manufactures also suggest keeping an eye on your popcorn as it cooks. This is because there are too many variables for the manufacture to take into account. The obvious example is the varying degrees of power in retail microwaves. Some blame clearly needs to be on the manufacture for not coming up with a better indicator for the maximum corn threshold. Maybe a variation of the thing that pops out of the turkey on the holidays to tell you its done?

What really prompted this post was that three people made popcorn in the office today. They didn’t burn it so that was cool. The problem was that every god damned person that came in the office had to ask “Who made popcorn?” like it was an automatic reaction to smelling it. When no one answered they didn’t pursue it further they revealed that they really had no real intent or desire to know who the preparer of the puffed corn was. Over and over “Who cooked popcorn?” like some brainwashed religious fanatics that feel the need to say “blessed be his name” or some shit everytime their deity’s name is mentioned.

Why do they ask then? I started answering them and selling out the guy who had made the second batch to see if anyone would approach to beg for some. Not one person attempted to procure savory un-burnt puffed corn. If they didn’t want any popcorn what is the reason for knowing who has it? I can understand if it was burnt because that way blame can be assigned and the person is shamed in an attempt to curb future failures in cooking. The inquisitive sheep also seemed confused that someone answered the useless question / retarded observation: “Who made popcorn?”. I wonder if any of them questioned their actions, if they dug deep within themselves to try to figure out why and how to stop.

Of course SAW was on the stupid comment wagon the second she detected butter. When the second batch was made “Now whoooo made popcorn this time??? *snort*”

And why wasn't she there on Friday?

2006-02-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

Ouch

2006-02-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

This was a really bad idea.

How to emasculate your husband at work with romantic gestures.

2006-02-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the Wife decided to add some flavor to my car while I was at work. She and her accomplice, Lambchop a.k.a. Leather, filled the car with heart shaped balloons, tied balloons to the side mirrors, drew hearts and sweet nothings on all my windows and topped it off with a bouquet of roses. Sweet and loving? Yes. Did I appreciate it? Yes. Did I purposely wait 10 extra minutes in the parking lot for everyone to go back to work after break so they wouldn’t see the car? Yes.

And I only took her to dinner. She is always topping my on stuff like this but; we did get married on my birthday so I guess there is some subconscious guilt going on.

One question about the car decorations is: why the hell did you girls use your writing soap on my side mirrors rendering them useless? Next time cut the brake lines or saw 80% through the axle. Show me some luuuvvvee.

Overheard in the office

2006-02-14T21:59:00.000-08:00

The Temp wrangler (windows error guy with the Von Douche stickers on his car) here at my work was calling prospective temporary workers today and one name stuck out: Aqua. It seems that this individual is having some sort of scheduling conflict with work. I really wish this Aqua character would come on for at least one day because I want to figure out what this person looks like. I keep picturing a short Hispanic guy with gills on his neck.

Photos from my fan club

2006-02-06T09:09:00.000-08:00

WTF?

与您性交爸爸!

2006-02-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

Check this story coming out of good old china. It seems that Hong Kong Disney sold out and parents got so mad they started throwing their kids over the fences. All I want to know is how the f#uck are those kids going to buy tickets and fight off rouge employees dressed up like Winnie the Poo?